12

                                    

                                          
We arrived at another shitty motel that wasn't far away from the venue that 5 Seconds of Summer band was performing at. Calum had urged Luke and I to be out the door before 12am tomorrow so we could have a chance at lining up for tickets. 
Again, there was only one bed to share between us two and a couch littered with cigarette burns and shit stains. "I would say I'd take the couch but I'm not sleeping on that thing." I pointed at the couch as Luke was sifting through his luggage on the bed again. My eyebrows furrowed as getting no answer but a quizzical expression set on finding whatever he was missing, "Have you lost something?" I asked, genuinely curious at what he could be looking for as my arms fell into their default crossing motion against my chest. 
He peeped a stressed glare up at me for a second, until continuing to scrummage through his belongings. "None of your business," he muttered.
I scoffed at his response, "Well, you could just tell me and I could help you find what you're looking for." 
"No." 
I sighed, "Fine, but that was my final offer." I threw my duffel bag onto the bed as I sat down on the bed next to it, facing away from Luke.
What could he be looking for? Was it the thing he was looking for in the previous motel room that he thought he packed but obviously didn't? 
A light tap on my shoulder sent a shiver down my spine and made me crack my head towards Luke. I didn't like being touched without consent. That's the thing, even though I deemed myself to be 'severely touched starved', I only liked the feeling when I had permitted to it. The only example being when I was having sex. At least then I could prepare myself for the touch of another person.
"What?" I said, looking at Luke's face of innocence. I don't understand why he was being like this. At one minute he was nice to me, the next he was a complete horny asshole. And it seemed the only time he was being somewhat 'nice' was when we were both alone. It was almost like he was purposefully putting on a performance for everyone else so he could keep his 'bad boy' status. 
Luke looked down at his fumbling fingers festering in fidgets. "I, okay this is slightly embarrassing so don't make fun of me okay?" His voice was mousey small and quiet.
I hummed as my response and he continued. "You know how I umm tore open my luggage and made a mess in our other motel room?" 
"Yeah?" I smiled, eagerly waiting impatiently on what he was going to say, "Like you've made a mess with this one?" I teased.
"Yeah," he laughed to himself sadly, still focusing on his fidgety hands. "Well, I thought I had packed my vibrator but it turns out I didn't and umm I freaked out because I was getting you know umm I had a boner and it was because of you." He paused to look at me and swallowed, "I really need it, it's what keeps me stimulated. And I swear that I packed it. I just really need that sweet relief, I crave it." 
I knew he was flustered by me, No shit Sherlock. He had a fucking wet dream about me which I heard. I didn't exactly know why he was telling me this. I honestly didn't care that he had lost his vibrator, he could just tell me to politely leave so I can give him some space to masturbate. 
"Okay," I laughed out loud, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that information." I answered honestly. 
He breathed sharply out of his nose and watched his hands again. "Michael, I don't think you get it." His voice and eyes trailed off in the distance making me wonder if I was being too hard on him. 
Silence filled the space between us as I twisted my body so I was fully facing him, getting myself comfortable by sitting crossed legged on the bed. I knew I was reading the room wrong and that for once he was begging for some seriousness. Which was amusing coming from someone as immature as him. 
I bowed my head nodding in some sickly sympathy, "I'm listening." I said, focusing my attention back onto Luke. His face was falling into sadness with small tears trickling down his cheeks, he solely made eye contact with his hands as he cried.
"You can't tell anyone this. Not even Ashton or Calum."
"Okay, I won't tell them." I reassured him.
"Promise?" 
I sighed, now invested in what he so desperately wanted to share. "Promise." 
A strangled whine left his mouth before telling me his darkest truth, "I'm addicted to it. Sex, I mean."
I don't know why it shocked me that Luke was addicted to sex, I mean it made sense why he wanted to purchase a pleasurable experience from me even though I was positive he hated my guts. And that begged the question: if he hated my guts, why was he telling me this?
"So you're a sex addict." I said, more or so as a careful statement than a pestering question. Luke confirmed with a small nod.
I wouldn't say I was addicted to sex, I knew my own limitations and simply enjoyed the experience as a full-time job. I couldn't say I completely understood his emotions or his addiction, although a lot of my clients were victims of sex addiction. That's why they came to me, to give them the high they so desperately needed to survive. I couldn't collect the right words of advice to comfort him in the moment. I didn't know how to comfort people well. The only thing I could muster was, "That explains a lot..." 
As those syllables left my tongue, I knew those weren't the right things to say in this situation. He had just told me that he was struggling with an addiction and my first response was to connect it to his own behaviours. It was almost like I was telling him what he already figured out for himself as he responded with a light chuckle, "Yeah".
He was snacking on his bottom lip, chewing it in fast paced movements. I felt guilty for pointing out something he already knew, "I can't believe I'm about to say this because usually I don't say this to people who have paid me for sex," I started, hoping the words would come out more helpful this time, "But since I've gotten to know you a little and I'm spending a lot more time than I originally wanted to with you," 
The next few words struggled to come out, knowing what I was about to say in this vulnerable moment made me scared of what Luke was making me feel internally. The stepping stones of an emotional connection were being traced out for us, and that terrified me knowing that this meant more commitment and fragility that I didn't even know if I could give.
"I need you to know that I'll be here for you." The tips of my mouth formed into a smile, "Don't tell anyone I said that to you though."