29

                                    

                                          
"Sometimes I smile 
Thinking of your smile
Sometimes I lose my breath
Thinking of you losing yours." 
           - Sara Rian 
Coffee lifts her head watching her as she stands up from the couch. She follows her. 
"Must you follow me everywhere... Go to the gym where Eli is and get some exercise there..." D slightly scolds the puppy who is excitedly wagging her tail waiting for her to open the door. 
Darina sighs and opens the door, making Coffee bolt out like lightening. She slightly shakes her head before wrapping the shawl tighter around her shoulders, protecting herself from the cold. 
She walks into the garden and sits down on the bench. She takes a deep breath and with the exhale, so does the tears from her eyes. She hasn't even opened it and she's already crying. 
She opens the envelope and unfolds the letter, her eyes land on the first line. 
To my dearest Darina. 
I have never told you this, but you are not just my wife/ the love of my life- you are my role model. There is so much of myself that I see in you and so much that you have taught me. I am extremely proud to call you mine. 
I am proud of you, for every obstacle that you have overcome in life. From being able to run away and protecting yourself, to making a life for yourself. To seeing you continue to do well for yourself, continuing to pursue your dreams and for never stopping in dreaming... I am extremely proud of you. 
You are an extremely beautiful and talented women darling. From your cooking skills, to your photography, to your pottery... You my darling are an infinite creative and I am so proud and happy to get to experience all these sides of you. And to see you bloom and grow everyday... It's an absolute honour. 
You are the most understanding, accepting and unjudgemental person I know. You always tell me that I'm so graceful but it is you that I see with grace. You carry a quiet grace that makes anyone wish you could lay your eyes on them... How lucky I am to get to be seen by you. 
You are an extremely special woman D, and so loving and caring. I am extremely lucky to be loved by you. 
I chop the onions while you spice up the meat. We create an aesthetics photoshoot by the garden for your Instagram page. We stay up till late having our late night conversations while we drink some white wine. 
And now, I'm no longer there to do that with you... I am so sorry Darina. I really am. 
I turn to look around while doing something, only to find your eyes on me, you are stealing a picture of me and when I complain that I wasn't camera ready, you tell me I always look beautiful even when I'm doing something mundane... No one makes me blsuh as much as you do, and you don't even have to try to... Just by being yourself, you knock the wind out of me... I love you. 
I could tell that you could see the stains of pain in my eyes, like I saw the traces in yours sometimes. We know pain, loss and suffering, but I am happy that whatever you personally went through did not take away your being. Mine did. It did my love and for a long time I have been fighting to hold on, but it was time for me to surrender. 
There was nothing you could have possibly done to prevent this from happening, please do not beat yourself up. I hate to even think that you might feel that way. You couldn't have possibly done anything my love, this was just a battle of my own. Rather, you have been the reason for me to hold on for so long. If it weren't for you I would have been gone a long time ago, but because of your love, because of you... I managed to stay this long.