CHAPTER 17 - IT WILL BE OKAY. *

                                    

                                          

I feel cold.
I feel numb. 
Mom picks me up in her arms as a shiver shakes my whole body. 
I don't remember when mom turned off the shower but I hadn't felt it for a while. 
As mom stands up with me in her arms. I can't even find the effort to pull my own arms around her. They just stay by my sides as my head lays on her shoulder. 
I can feel her crying. 
I can feel the shake of her shoulders as she takes everything in. 
I want to feel guilty, I want to feel something but I just don't. 
I don't know what was going through my head. Just everything was too much. 
It's how I have coped, how I have stopped all the bad thoughts.
Mom lowers me onto my bed, I just sit with my head hanging. 
I feel my body shiver and as soon as it does I feel mom wrapping a towel around my body. 
I still don't move. 
Her fingers gently touch my chin. She tilts my head towards her but I don't meet her eyes.
My eyes stare over her shoulder. They bore into the wall behind her.
She moves her own head to try and meet my gaze. 
I watch her mouth move, but I hear nothing. 
I feel so hazy. 
She takes her hand away from my chin. 
As soon as she has moved, I finally move my body back into my head. 
I pull my covers back over me and close my eyes. 
------
Scarletts POV;
Liam called me in a hurry. Telling me about his and JJ's FaceTime. I don't think I've ever moved so fast after telling me how she just left so quickly after him trying to talk to her about relapsing. 
All the hurt and anger towards him leaves my body when he says doesn't trust her alone right now. 
I was getting Rose ready when he called, Colin came into the room with my phone to take over sorting out Rose. 
I ran out of the room as soon as he said she wasn't picking up anymore calls. 
The worry sat uncomfortably on my chest. 
I sprinted down the first set of stairs, running to her own door and down her stairs herself. She wasn't in bed. I heard her shower on but I wouldn't be able to rest unless I knew she was okay and hadn't done anything. 
I rush to her bathroom door and try to open it and I'm not surprised to be met with it locked. It doesn't settle the worry, it only makes it increase, something I didn't think was even possible. I start banging and shouting her name. I know she would be able to hear me even with the shower on. I tried barging my shoulder into the door but it wouldn't budge. 
I feel so powerless. 
She still isn't answering my screams or pleads to open the door. My screaming seems to have grabbed Colin's attention as he rushes down the stairs and pulls me back from the door. 
He barges harder against the door.
Once.
Twice.
I could cry happy tears as it flings open. 
I bolt through the door, spotting her on the shower floor.
Her pyjamas are still on her body.
A blade in her hand. 
I don't stop, my body moves to her, rushing to take away the blade in her hand. 
I pull her into my arms, holding her body against me. 
She doesn't move to acknowledge I'm there. She stays tense in my arms.
I sit with her in my arms as minutes go by. 
Colin hasn't come in, most likely respecting our privacy in such an intense moment. 
I lean up to turn off the shower, the cold water only making me shiver. The sobs escape my throat without any protest. 
The seriousness of this situation settling into my chest as I realise how much my baby is hurting. 
It hurts to see her hurt. 
I can't stop myself from thinking how it's my fault. How I could have prevented any of this happening but I push those thoughts away to focus on my girl in my arms. 
I stand with her in my arms, I don't even think she processes us moving. 
She hasn't said anything, she isn't crying. 
She is just silent. 
I can't stop the tears rolling down my face, my body shakes as I hold in my sobs. 
I lower her onto her bed. Her body slumps down. Her head staring down onto her hands that hang between her legs. 
I just watch her, hoping, praying, she moves or says something but she doesn't. 
Her body shivers, finally a small sign. 
I pull a towel that I carried in with me around her shoulders. She still doesn't move. 
I don't know what to do. My heart is breaking. 
I pull her chin up towards me, just for her to see me, to show me anything, to show me she knows what's going on. She stares over my shoulder. I move my own head to look into her eyes.
Her eyes are hazy, it's like she isn't even in her own body and I'm only sure of that when she doesn't even make movement when I start speaking. 
"JJ, bug, can you hear me?... baby please say something?"
Silence.
I drop my hand from her face, I take a step back to try and grab hold of my emotions. 
I'm powerless. I'm lost. I'm utterly useless.
I don't even know if she realises what's going on, what's happening. 
What are you meant to do when someone is so lost in their mind they can't even process anything that's happening around them? 
I wish Liam was here right now. He would know what to do. He always does. 
As I look back up to her, I only then realise she has moved. 
Her body lays underneath her bed covers. The towel is still around her. Her eyes closed. 
I stay standing. Just watching her. She moved. It's better than nothing. 
I stay still.
As soon as I see her breathing even out showing me she is asleep, I feel my body slowly drop to the floor as sobs escape my body. My hand flies to my mouth in hopes of silencing my sobs to not wake her up. 
This only feels like the start of a terrifying journey. 
I try to remind myself,
It will be okay.