Cold Blood, Chapter 6

                                    

                                          
Yamada's interview-lynching attempt?-didn't last much longer, so I switched channels.

Mia and I sat in silence; usual, in my case, extremely odd in hers. I half expected her to try and bring the house down any moment, or something equally ridiculous.

It got awkward enough that I almost asked if she wanted me to show her around the house. My inner introvert shrieked in outrage. Luckily, I was saved by the bell. Or, rather, the knock.

It was a weird sound, like multiple people were somehow knocking on the window in the same spot at the same time. I turned, confused, and my eyes burst.

Literally.

I had never beheld such raw, eldritch power. My arcane sense almost turned itself inside out with how quickly it shut down to prevent further damage.

The thing outside the window, the thing that had turned my eyes to jelly with its appearance alone, didn't look like anything. I don't mean in the sense that it wasn't impressive. I mean it literally didn't look like anything, or, at least, like nothing my mind could recognise.

My eyes regenerated, and I blinked. The thing, whatever it was, still looked incomprehensible, but at least I wasn't hurting myself looking at it anymore.

'Ah-Silva, right? I didn't expect you to be so sensitive to the world beyond worlds,' the thing said in an apologetic tone.

'What the fuck are you?' I asked, sitting up and ready to punch it back up Azathoth's arsehole, or wherever the hell it had crawled from.

'Whoa, you're cool,' Mia said, looking straight at it, and apparently unaffected. This thing was either tailor-made for fucking up undead, or just people with more than five senses.

'Aw, thanks!' it said brightly, and I got the sensation that it was smiling. 'She's as calm as she will be after this, Silva. I know. I've already lived that moment.'

'Are you a time-traveler?' I asked, unsure if it was bullshitting me or not. It had nothing of what I usually used to spot lies said by beings, living or otherwise.

'How can I travel something that doesn't exist?' Something like an eye briefly appeared in the centre of that shapeless, colourless mass, narrowing in confusion.

Then, suddenly, we were outside.

I looked around, to make sure I wasn't being bamboozled by its power or something, but every sense and instinct I had told me we were on the road outside my house. They just couldn't tell me how that happened. This also meant that either my wards were useless, or...

'See? The only reason things appear separate is perception. Case in point...' it gestured at the house with some sort of appendage. 'Well, now that's fixed, let's get on with this great mess, eh chaps?'

'Very British.' I couldn't help myself. It was what I did in absurd moments. 'You almost sound human.'

'Aw, thank you! So do you!' it nodded to itself, seemingly satisfied with the backhanded compliment, then became still. 'Ah! I haven't introduced myself, have I? Cripes...I'm the Fixer! Fifi told me to come get you and the girl, David.'

I didn't like the way it just switched to my name, but that wasn't what caught my attention. 'Who the hell is Fifi?'

'Mmmhmm? Aw, but you five aren't close at all, are you? Fifi is the Fourfold! Get it? FF, Fifi? It's not that complicated, Dave my boy.'

'Dave.' I could practically hear Mia smiling behind me. 'Can I call you Dave, too?'

'No.' Then, more quietly, to the Fixer. 'Stop giving her ideas.'

'But of course!' It was smiling too now, shaped like a human, if without details. 'I give you my word, and that's a mighty thing, see? I always keep it. In Dunwich, it was the only thing I could keep. Oooh! I must tell you 'bout the dune witch that came to Dunwich! We have a song about her, wanna hear it?'

Before either of us could answer, it pulled a guitar from somewhere and started torturing it. I had no idea what the hell it was singing, only that it wasn't in English.

'Oi, that's a mean thought, mate! Don't knock the accent, it knocks back!'

'Stay the fuck out of my head,' I growled as we followed it on the path to the outskirts. 'How the hell are you an ARC agent?'

'Eh,' it shrugged. 'They're more scared of me if I'm behind them than on the enemy's side. Makes them less likely to do something dumb, see?'

'If you say so,' I conceded. 'Are you from the Dunwich in...' I didn't want to say Lovecraft Country. It might get offended. 'Miskatonic county?'

'Aw, 'course not, old bean. I'm from the other Dunwich, see? On this side of the pond. Though...' it seemed to draw the light around itself. 'I studied at Miskatonic for a day.'

'A day? What, did you get scared?' Mia asked, then seemed to remember what she was talking to. 'Uh, not that I'm dissing you. I've heard there's lots of spooky shit in that place.'

'Ah, nah, nothin' like that. I got kicked out-well, begged to leave- because I was a bit too extreme for the faculty, see? Might've also exposed a few infamous mommies and daddies...' the Fixer snickered to itself. 'Honestly, some family trees are more like flytraps! Just waiting for some poor fool to drop in...well, they choked on me. Some things aren't used to getting bitten back.'

After that, we walked in silence. I didn't want to give the Fixer more stuff to talk about. It seemed to find subjects by itself. We didn't have to worry, though, according to it: its presence warped reality around us, so the multiverse itself would have a hard time finding us if it tried.

Its words, not mine.

It had many other words, too.

'But they didn't wanna go to the hospital! How else did they expect to stop looking like a Deep One had shagged a centipede? Honestly, they even hated the name. Dagoff, because it gets rid of what Dagon put inside you! Get it?'

'And she said "The Bloop is the call of my master!", then rattled off the whole "praise Cthulhu" spiel. Bah! The walking sushi pile might make many things, but sounds aren't among them.'

'Am I the only one annoyed that Shub-Niggurath, the being with the most spawn in the Mythos, is knows as the Black Goat? Ol' HP wasn't exactly known for subtlety, even in his day, but did he really gotta say the Promiscuous One is black? Really now, I know Shub, and it's nothing like that.'

'You know the Black Goat,' Mia said. It wasn't a question, more like a statement of blunt disbelief.

'Nnnnh...yeah, but that's a dumb name, like I said. Worse, some of its spawn have learned the nickname and started making themselves look like farm animals when they come to Earth. We'll end up with the Calamitous Chicken of Kentucky at this rate.'

'Farm animals?' I started. 'Like-'

'Welp!' the Fixer cut me off. We'd arrived at the outskirts. 'Yeah, yeah, you've gotten used to me by now, ah, so to speak. We can take the shortcut!'

And an instant later, we were in the middle of some sort of hall, stretching away for as far as I could see. The white walls looked solid and thick, and the ARC symbol- a black shield with an arc above it(because alphabet agencies are addicted to puns, as we all know)- was plastered on every surface.

'Forgive the abrupt skip an' hop, guv'nor!' The Fixer was suddenly in my face. 'But I really can't let you see how to get in and out of our bases right now...information is important, and all that. What if you get mangled by a dragon with holy gear and start babbling, eh? We can't have that.'

'Didn't you say you already know how this ends?' I frowned. 'Or was that just babble, like the rest of what you said tonight?'

'Now, now, Dave,' it said in a chiding tone. 'I can't just very well spill stuff like that as I wish, alright? People, and things very much not-people, could and would get mighty offended.'