Thirty-Seven; Human Nature

                                    

                                          
|| NARRATOR ||
Why do humans crave happiness?
Maybe there are some things that social norms have convinced us are worth our happiness. Sports, drinking, love. All sorts of things bring us joy and comfort.
But why? 
Why should the figure of a masculine figure bring a woman happiness? Why should a man only have fun when pouring pungent alcohol down their throat? Betting hundreds of dollars on sports figures, buying pricey tickets to concerts for celebrities that do not care about their fans.
Happiness is fake. Nothing and nobody is truly happy. The only way someone can be happy is if they're in the grave. Whether they believe in God or not, that is the only way true joy can be achieved.
Sometimes, Rae wondered if life would just be better off if she was dead. She knew it was morbid, and she never really thought about taking a rope and hanging it around her neck until she suffocated. But she also didn't mind if she just happened to have an accident and pass away.
She wondered why she felt that way. It wasn't because of Seonghwa, no, and it wasn't her anxiety either. Moreso a feeling that she had craved ever since she first obtained her consciousness. A normal human desire to pass away.
Did her mother feel the same way? what about the random old man that she passed in the street, who had lived triple her life? What about her members, who seemed so joyous compared to her? Was dying a normal bodily desire, or was it just her?
Her heart started to hurt as she swallowed another Xanax down her throat. The room was spinning around her and although it was late winter, it felt like summer had just begun.
Stumbling off her bed, she walked to the kitchen, trying her best to remain conscious as she reached for the fridge and chugged an entire carton of juice.
Rae was slowly making her way back into the JEWELLE dorm facilities. Her old condo brought her too much pain to stay in, and besides that, it was simply more reliable for her to stay in the dorms.
She had been practicing for five hours straight before going home. All of her members were in deep sleep, except for her. It had been weeks worth of restless nights for Rae, which she didn't know was insomnia or not.
Her hand ran through her tangled hair as she heard someone's presence enter the kitchen. She turned around to see Hwang Yuri, also awake early in the morning.
Rae looked away. "Oh, it's you." It was evident among the members (even Yuri could tell) that they were ignoring Hwang Yuri. The only times they would speak with Yuri was when it was the absolute bare minimum.
She had always tried to avoid the girl, as she knew alone time with the two could cause something that would create an even bigger strain in the group's relationship. Every time Rae saw Yuri, she thought about how Yuri dated Seonghwa.
It was sometimes like there was a dark voice in her head, that said "She caused everything" whenever Rae saw Yuri. She tried to ignore it, but the Xanax was making her delirious and therefore giving her no filter.
She started at the gold necklace around Yuri's neck. The same one that Seonghwa gave Rae on her birthday. She clutched the juice carton, trying not to punch her as her head continued to throb under the strong lights of the refrigerator.
"Nice necklace," Rae said, but it was obvious it didn't deliver as a compliment. Yuri turned around, faking a smile and muttering a quick thanks.
But of course, Rae didn't stop. She didn't want to. "God, my head hurts so much right now. Probably from all that Xanax I've been taking. Things haven't quite been the same since I broke up with my boyfriend. Do you remember him? His name was Park Seonghwa."
Rae continued, faking a sigh. "Of course, he really was the love of my life. We dated for almost four years! That's a record for him, most of his girlfriends—well—he discarded after a couple of weeks. Like a used tissue paper."
"Watch it." Yuri spat. The entire time Rae spoke, Yuri remained silent, staring off into the distance. Rae only felt anger towards the girl. 
A smile appeared on her face, continuing with her mischief. "He really was something different. The way he would treat me was special like I truly was the most perfect person in the world. Even the way that he held me, especially when we were intimate-'
Suddenly, Yuri got up, slamming her fist onto the counter of the kitchen table. Her face was red as if she was on the verge of tears. "I'm going to bed." She declared rudely.
Rae scoffed. "Yeah, get a good night's rest. So you can plan to ruin another person's relationship." 
Yuri stopped walking. Rae knew the look of horror that was on the former girl's face. "What?" Her words slurred together, feeling the room get tighter but she could care less. "You thought I didn't know?"  
The atmosphere had become from uncomfortable to deadly. Rae's piercing black eyes glared into Yuri's mortified face. "I don't know what you're talking about." She replied, in a voice that surely wasn't convincing.
Rae tilted her head. "What did you say to my mother, Yuri?" She deadpanned. 
"I—"
"I don't know what your problem is Yuri, but you clearly have some weird, fucked up shit going on inside of you. Clearly, you must be messed up in the head, for thinking that a two-week relationship you had with my ex five years ago suddenly matters now." 
Her voice raised, not caring if the other members woke up. She stood up from her seat, holding onto the counter for stability. There were visible beads of sweat running down her forehead, and her pupils were diluted.
Rae was now right up in Yuri's face. "You said something to my mother, something that threw all this shit in the gutter. You fucking piece of shit, still holding things from half a decade ago in my face. You pathetic, worthless, scum. Seonghwa probably never loved you, and that's why you're still stuck up on him, you fucking vile loser—"
She suddenly stopped mid-sentence. Yuri stared at her bewilderedly. A small screech left her mouth as she watched the younger girl's eyes roll to the back of her head, falling to the floor. 
Hwang Yuri watched in horror as Cho Rae started to seize up, foam appearing at their mouth as she suddenly grabbed onto her ankle. "Help." The words barely escaped Rae's mouth, looking up at Yuri one last time before the seizing stopped.
Her body was stiff and stiff like someone had sucked the life out of her. She started to choke on something, what Yuri could only presume was her own vomit. She let go of Yuri's ankle, choking on the cold floor by herself.
"Please." Rae coughed out. Her eyes, the same eyes that were glaring at Yuri only a minute ago, were now pleading. She was only a young girl, dying on the kitchen floor, with only one person to help her.
Yuri was conflicted. She immediately pulled out her phone, dialling the number 112 into her phone, turning her glance every two seconds back to the girl on the floor.
Seonghwa probably never loved you. The words suddenly rang in Yuri's head. The same words that the helpless Rae spat in her face.
Yuri was always jealous of Rae, she had everything Yuri ever wanted. But Yuri was sure that she had one thing, and that was Seonghwa's love. For the weeks that they dated she felt love, and she wasn't sure it if was real, or even required back, but there was love in the air.
For Rae to completely dismiss everything that Yuri and Seonghwa had was insane. Rae always acted like she was at the top, better than Yuri, and better than the world. But now she was at rock bottom, just like Yuri.
Yuri hung up the phone before the dispatcher could pick it up, placing it back into her pocket. Rae watched in horror, the life escaping her by the second, as her only hope slowly walked away, back into the dorm as she closed the door. 
Rae was now at rock bottom, and Yuri didn't feel like helping her up. She had to fight her own battles now, and that meant being selfish when the time was right.
And for her, saving Rae was betraying herself.