Chapter 41 - Too many emotions

                                    

                                          
Hyunjin's whole body trembled under the influence of several emotions at once. His throat was tight, his breathing was heavy, and he had only one thing on his mind. Run away from it all, hide and never talk to anyone. He wanted the ground to swallow him. He wanted to scream and cry. The worst feelings that prevailed was anger and a strange feeling of shame. And it was all the more intense when the source of these emotions was his beloved Felix.
He felt betrayed.
He tried to concentrate on his steps that carried him further through the streets of nighttime Seoul and ignore the voice calling his name behind him.
"Hyunjin!" Felix had been running after him for some time now. He held his hip, which was already stinging with exertion, and tried to catch the blonde head in front of him.
"Wait goddamnit!" Felix called at him, already angry, as he sped up even more and reached out to grab Hyunjin by his hood.
"What do you want, Felix?" He stopped at last, but his eyes were still fixed ahead.
"What do I want?" Felix repeated after him, but before he continued, he leaned on his knees and tried to catch his breath. "I want to talk to you about it. Solve it."
"Then speak."
"I... I didn't want to tell them about us! I wanted to keep it a secret, but..." Felix paused for a moment to take another deep breath.
Hyunjin didn't answer, he just looked everywhere but at Felix and tried to control all the anger he was feeling right now.
"But it was too much for me! I simply couldn't handle it anymore. We had no time for each other at all, and if we did, we had to treat each other like strangers in public. In addition, we were not able to clarify what will happen when I return to Australia, and I simply broke down in front of Chan!" Felix was telling him the truth.
"So instead of solving our problem with me, you had to tell Chan everything?" Hyunjin argued with him.
"I didn't want to! But I have no reason not to trust him. Besides, it was about you, it was hard to start talking to you about it when you acted the whole time as if nothing was happening, I felt like I'm the crazy one." Felix had to start defending himself a little. In addition to regret, anger began to build up in him as well.
"So it's all my fault? I'm the jerk and you're the poor guy who can't even confide in me? I'm not surprised Chan is went off on me when you talk about me like that." Hyunjin snorted and shook his head in disbelief.
"I didn't say anything like that. Chan is thinking for himself and honestly, you're acting a little bit like a jerk right now."
"I am acting like a jerk?" Hyunjin finally looked at Felix at those words. "Felix, you outed me when I clearly told you several times that I wasn't ready for this. I wanted to do it, but by myself. And you took it from me! Do you know how I feel!? I can lose a lot of opportunities because of this, regardless of the fact that if someone else finds out, it can have dire consequences. What about my parents? How will they be when they find out their only son is gay, and they won't have any grandchildren!?" His gaze showed no trace of the love he had for Felix. There was only anger and coldness. A coldness that froze Felix's heart.
"So if it bothers you so fucking much, then don't be with me! Keep living your life of lies with some girl like Jae, with whom you'll have kids and a million career opportunities!" Felix didn't even think about what he was saying. It suddenly seemed to him as if they were trying to hurt each other as much as possible.
"And why are YOU with me!? When this relationship hurts you so much all the time and I treat you like a jerk?" Hyunjin yelled back at him.
"You know what!? I don't even know anymore! There's no point in this anyway, I'm going back to Australia in a month, so just forget about me!" Felix shouted and the passersby turned after him, but he didn't care.