Chapter Twenty Three

                                    

                                          
The taxi ride to the airport was quiet. Neither one of us talked, not that I knew what there was to say. 
I could feel the frustration rolling off Maddie, and I knew I was to blame. I was an idiot for letting Eddie spend the night. An idiot for considering taking him back. 
We didn't have to wait long to board the plane. Our seats - which were pointed out by a very helpful and pretty stewardess, were near the back of the plane. She smiled at me and blushed, her skin darkening as she looked away from me. 
Maddie rolled her eyes, waiting for me to take my seat. I got the window seat, which made me feel less nervous about being on a plane that was about to be thousands of feet in the air. 
I stowed our carry ons above our heads and slipped into my seat. 
We still didn't talk by the time they closed the door, or after the stewardess who helped us gave her speech about what to do if something went wrong. 
We were in the air by the time Maddie said something. 
"What the hell is wrong with you?" she demanded. 
"This is about Eddie," I sighed. 
"Of course, it is." She snapped. "Why are you taking him back?"
"I don't know if I am," 
She scoffed. "He seems to be under the impression that you are." 
"He's just optimistic." I said. "I haven't taken him back yet, and I don't know if I can. I can't forget what he did, or that he kept it from me. But we did talk things out last night." 
"Do you love him?" 
I didn't want to answer her question. I did love him, but I was an idiot for doing so. How could I love someone who'd hurt me, who'd lied to me, who'd used me for his own entertainment? I was just a place holder until he decided to take his wife back. 
"Why?" she whispered, seeing the answer in my face. 
"I can't explain it," I said. "I know he's bad for me, but I can't seem to stay away." 
"He'll hurt you again." 
I knew she was right - she was always right. And I was waiting for it to happen. The idiotic carefree part of me wanted to just go with the flow, and to enjoy whatever time I had with him. But I also needed to protect myself. He was my halogen, but he'd also broken my heart more than once, and I couldn't forgive him for that easily. 
You think that my self preservation would kick in, that I would stay as far away from him as I possibly could. But I couldn't. I was too invested. Maybe too in love, if that's what this was. I was still confused by the feelings he inspired in me. One moment, I wanted to scream and yell at him. And the next, I wanted to kiss him. 
Would anything with him ever be simple? Would I feel like this forever? Or could we one day have a loving, trusting relationship, where we weren't ignoring each other or lying to each other? Of course, I'd been honest with him about everything, other than the fact that I'd slept with Corrine the night we broke up. Or that I wanted to continue to see her. She too, inspired confusing feelings in me. I didn't want to make this easy for him. Wanted to take my time deciding, so that I didn't jump into something too quickly. Even now I was anxious that he would be running back to Shannon behind my back, but I guess he had the right considering that we weren't together anymore. 
"I'm going to take my time with this." I told her. "I don't want to jump into anything."
She narrowed her eyes. "And what about the girl you had a date with yesterday?"