Chapter 1

                                    

                                          
Hardin
I live in this hell hole of a life and I can seem to never make it out. No matter how many times I've tried to change I feel like time just won't let me. Every day, every fucking damn day I'm hit with the same reality when the cold sharp wind hits my face like a thousand small blades making Cuts. my arms covering my face a cover of hiding because I don't a warm home to go to and sleep and I don't have anyone to love me in this, no one at all. 
The streets of New York fill with people every day who has homes, families, jobs, and so much more waiting for them and I'm a low-class junkie sleeping in a small tent just behind a small bodega which is not bad because I'm friends with the People inside but most definitely not the greatest spot in the city. I've been living here in this very spot for about 5 months but moved around a lot so I've been on the street for more than 2 years. I lost count when I decided I don't give a fuck and just wait for my death to approach me whether it be peacefully or Tragic I'm ready to die but I also don't want to give up completely.
It wasn't always like this though when I lived in England with my mum until she kicked me out for being a drug addict that couldn't control himself. I was a whole different person back then but I'm a whole different person now as well and it's all because of mommy dearest. She's the one who got me where I am today and sometimes I think of her but sometimes I wished wherever that bitch is that she would live the way I live and I take her place. Living in a nice home most likely with a wife to kiss every day and kids to call my own. But that would never happen and I've just come to expect this fate of mine because I honestly think this is what I deserved from the start. 
In New York, it's super cold this time of year around the holiday season and it's also where people like to give to the homeless and I take full advantage of whatever I can get from anyone that offers. Years previous I'd gotten blankets, pillows, and food cans to eat out from but if I'm really lucky someone would buy me a meal from the bodega or give me some money for myself. I never beg. I never stoop myself so low that I will beg a person for money it's not in me to look like the rest of the homeless on the streets, I want to be strong but I'm falling apart slowly every day because I'm one of the homeless. 
My favorite holiday in New York though is Christmas because the light starts to come out making New York look more beautiful than it was before they didn't. Everyone from the apartments above the bodega hangs up pretty lights especially this one old lady that lives in the building named Celeste she buys the brightest decorations for her grandchildren that come over for Christmas every year and it makes me appreciate people that would do anything for her or his children or grandchildren the way my mom couldn't. Also, her lights give me light while sleeping so that's another appreciation for her and the rest of the people upstairs.
When I first moved to New York I appreciated every beautiful thing that came with it. The city that never sleeps...literally. Nobody in this forsaken city can ever go to sleep and sometimes it's great other times I just want to yell out shut the hell up but I can't and I wouldn't dare. People who have children I don't even know how they're able to get their kids to bed with all the commotion going on all the time. For example the shooting at night, the fights even sometimes people start lighting off fireworks which is crazy but sure welcome to New York. 
Christmas times back then in England with my mom were great until I started getting older and hanging out with the wrong crowd of kids. The last Christmas  I truly spent with my mother was when I was 15 and she had gotten me a soccer ball I'd been wanting for a long time. It was great but after that's Christmas things just changed for me and my mom, I wasn't the good boy son she wanted and she wasn't the caretaker mom anymore everything changed. It only took one night, the night that changed my life forever. 
That's why Christmas is my favorite because even though I lost my past life I'm living in the future and it's beautiful here. 
Another favorite place of mine is the hospital. I know that sounds crazy but it's actually some very nice people that work during the holidays and they also feed the homeless every once in a while and it's never a complaint about what they're willing to give as long as I'm getting something. The hospital is also the busiest place during this time because on Christmas or any holiday, it seems like death follows right behind and many families grieve and feel the pain of their lost loved ones and they don't get the same feeling that everyone else does when celebrating this holiday, the enjoyment of presents and your family gathering eating Christmas dinner and laughing with each other. I had that with my mom before everything took place. Christmas is an in-between holiday but I love this day. 
Right now as I'm sitting in the streets of New York I see Ms.Celeste putting up her lights ready for this amazing holiday, she hangs over her balcony hanging up the lights that she lets loop like a bow, it's really pretty at night. In the process of hanging though her phone falls to the ground landing in front of me. She looks down and searches with her crinkly eyeballs before landing on me I hold up her phone with a smile. 
"Looks like you dropped something," I say and she laughs.
"It seems like it did," she says and smiles back.
"How are you Hardin boy," she asks.
"I'm doing good," I say. "how about you Ms.Celeste," I ask back. 
"Oh I'm doing good, ready for this Christmas and getting to see my grandbaby's since you know that they live all the way in California with my daughter and her husband" 
"They live that far" 
"Yes, it's upsetting because I would love to just be able to see them every day but Piper's husband Andrew wanted to move far from here to give the kids a better life which I understand by I wish it was different," she says and I can to she's about to cry. 
"Ms.Celeste I'm sorry to hear that but your grandbabies love you and won't ever forget the Christmases you give them Every year," I say.
"I know I know, I won't be here very long my time is limited but I try my best in every way I can for them because they are my babies," she says and looks back down at me. "You're doing okay during this time Hardin boy," she asked. 
"Yes I'm fine, Ms.Celeste" I try to hold a smile when I'm freezing every day. 
She looks at me suspiciously before saying "No your not, once I'm done decorating I'll let you come up and spend the night here until my family comes, you can be in one of the spare rooms" 
"Ms.Celeste--" 
"Don't say no because I won't take it for an answer like I said when my house is nice and decorated you'll be up here until my grandbabies get here" she says her words are final. 
"Okay, thank you" 
"You're very welcome, now can I have my cellular device back" 
"Yes," I go to give it to her but realize she's above me. "How am I supposed to give it to you" 
"Hold on," she says and walks away then comes back a minute later with a basket. "Drop it in" I do so and she pulls it up. 
"Thank you Hardin boy," she says 
"Your welcome Ms.Celeste," I say back and wave as she leaves her balcony. 
I smile to myself before sitting back down on the ground then all of a sudden I hear gunshots and cover myself with the blanket and go inside my tent. Closing my eyes I breathe heavily. 
Welcome to my life and fucking New York City.