Chapter 20

                                    

                                          
Lily
We are on our way back to Nitro's after a great time at the clubhouse. It wasn't anything like what I feared. It was actually the opposite, I felt comfortable being there. To know that I had been there before and that both Taz and Nitro were there, made me feel safe. 
Not to mention, it was a wonderful escape from the harsh reality of my current situation. It was amazing to laugh and play pool again. I haven't felt that for months. To feel normal, and to not be scared.  
To not have the sounds play over and over in my mind, as if my brain has one record, and it has a large scratch in it causing it to skip. But now, instead of just the sounds of my mother's murder – of her screaming and pleading for her life while the man yelled at her and the gunshot that killed her. I have added my gunshot, the screeching tires and the crunching of metal to the skipping record in my brain. 
I've noticed, the only time the sounds stop, is when I'm near Nitro. He stops everything, except my desire for him. That only seems to increase with each minute I spend with him. Especially now, with him so close. 
I take a deep breath and close my eyes as I feel my chest pressed against Nitro's back as we ride back to his cabin. My head is on his shoulder and my hands are wrapped around his waist. I am in heaven; I am calm and at peace. He helps me forget everything, but him. 
My chest begins to flutter when I feel his hand on mine and I smile at how fucking good it feels to have him touch me. Having him around, feels good. The way he flirts with me. The way he looks at me, the way he teases me with his eyes and his words. The way he speaks to me with his low, deep voice. Fuck, I'm getting wet fucking thinking about him.
Fuck, what am I thinking? I can't do this. I'm involved with Steven. I don't want to be, but I am and until I find a way out of that – this thing with Nitro, can't happen. Not that Nitro's going to want it to happen anyway, after he finds out what a complete whore I am. All that's going to happen, is I'm going to get hurt. Me...not Nitro. 
Nitro pulls into the driveway and parks the bike in the garage. I hop off in a hurry, scared of what I'm feeling for him. He's going to hurt me and if Steven does manage to get awarded protective custody, then he's going to be pissed if he finds out about Nitro. I would surely get punished for this. Either way, I get hurt. I pull off my helmet and place it on the shelf above me. 
"Why don't you rest while I fix us some lunch." Nitro suggests as he pulls his helmet off and hangs it on the peg next to mine.  I nod at him and turn to walk towards the house, but he stops me. 
"Little one, are you ok?" his blue eyes are full of concern. 
"Yes, I think I'm just tired from hanging out with everyone." I am tired, it isn't a complete lie, but it's mostly my embarrassment from letting Nitro affect me like this. 
Now the sounds are coming back, again. Fuck. He leads me into the house, and I turn towards my room shutting the door behind me. 
Once inside, I'm hit with an overwhelming feeling of dread from everything that has happened. I ease myself down to the floor, sliding my back against the door on my way down. Bending my knees to my chest, I rest my forehead on them and try to breath. 
Fuck, what am I doing? I am fucked up from my mother's murder from eighteen years ago. I'm in protective custody because I witnessed the murder of four men, only days ago. I have murdered two men. I am involved with a man that I fucking hate because he is threatening me. And now, I am flirting with a man that I know, I can't have. 
Whatever this is with Nitro is fucking amazing. Our chemistry, the things we have in common, the way we tease each other. I fucking love all of it but it's not going to last. I know I'm going to lose this. I can try like hell to find someway to deal with Steven and his threats but when Nitro finds out, he's not going to want me. Besides, I won't be in protective custody forever, and I'm sure Nitro wants to get back to his life.