line of thinking

                                    

                                          
trigger warnings - mental health 
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The following days after the party, you felt exhausted, your social battery is drained but this time it did not feel as though the world was falling apart, you were just tired and did not want to talk to anyone. You felt relaxed for some parts of the days. Classes were mostly introductory, which meant you could slack off a bit and focus on yourself settling in. 
Dina became a normal part of your routine, she said you could stick to her so you could have it easier fitting in, but it felt more like you were sticking out. Dina was not exactly a wallflower, she was on the opposite of the scale, she was bit of a queen bee in your field, but not just there everyone seemed to know her, but even though she was jumping around people she still found her way to you. You felt like she could only truly relax around you. You were becoming fast friends. You started caring about her. 
"You know what you should do?" Dina asks as you are both headed towards your classes. "What should I do?" 
"Well, cheer practices start soon, I am the cheer captain and I would love to have you on my team. " You give her a crooked smile, "You must be joking." You laugh drily. 
"You have done gymnastics for fifteen years of your life, you are such a great candidate." You regret telling her that fact about your life. "I have not done it in year, I am out of practice. There are much better candidates than me." She rolls her eyes, "Y/N, you doubt yourself too much, come on, please give it a try." She knows how much she is asking of you but she might be right "I know this is a lot, but you are actually good, and this year we don't have too many options." You can, kind off, see the desperation in her eyes. But she does not show it too much.
"Okay fine, I will give it a go." 
You already regretted your choice, standing there in the line of candidates, so out of place, you wanted to disappear from the earth's surface, it was awkward, the gym was alive, and nobody was really paying attention to you, at least you hopped that they did not. It was your turn and the whole gym seemed to quiet down, looking at you, waiting for you to embarrass yourself. 
But the truth is that no one was really paying attention to you, except for the jury, Dina being apart of the jury made you feel safer. She had a big smile on, one of the bigger ones and genuine. She gave you a thumbs up, you took a deep breath and tried to stable yourself, the time seems to slow, you look around the gym, everyone is doing their own thing except one person, her eyes were following your every move, you were starting to become even more anxious, it felt like being observed under a microscope, her gaze was piercing. You make eye contact, just for few milliseconds. She gives you a smirk, she knows that you are afraid, that you are absolutely terrified because one misstep and you would embarrass yourself, you give her a sarcastic smile back. You pose and take a deep breath. And perform your old gymnastics routine. 
As you land your back-full, and catch up with your breathing, the adrenaline is still active in your entire body that it takes a moment to realize that actually now everyone is staring at you. But not because you have embarrassed yourself but in a complete awe of your skills. They did not expect this from you, it is like they have just witnessed a miracle, especially Ellie, her mouth is hanging open, just standing there. Her smug smile has been wiped clean off. 
Dina just runs up to you, hugs you till you cannot breath, but you are grateful, having someone to lean back on when your body is filled with adrenaline, which is starting to cause your heart to ache with anxiousness. Everyone starts clapping, you whisper to Dina "Can we leave?" She takes you around the shoulders and leads you towards the changing rooms. You sit down on the bench, trying to collect your breath. She sits beside you "That was amazing, breathtaking, that is definitely getting you in." You could care less about getting into the team at the moment, all you want is to calm down your heavy beating heart. You hold onto the bench, steadying yourself. When you don't respond to Dina's chivalry, she looks at you and takes your hand. 'Are you okay?" You have managed to calm down your breathing, "Yes, just the adrenaline, you know?" She smiles, "I have few more candidates to go through, I will see you later?" Dina is a good friend to you, she is good to you, but sometimes you just wish she could see what is truly going on with you. But she just seems a bit oblivious, wrapped up in her world, like everyone else is. Which is fair, you have not exactly given her any reasons to worry about you. So you breath it out and leave for your dorm room.