fifteen

                                    

                                          
Ever since I went to Hanni's house the other day and talked to her mom, something just feels weird. I don't know if it's the fact that there is a strong possibility that past Minji saved my mother from death or the fact that I was talking about my mom and her friends with Mrs. Pham, who I know and have talked to when she was young. I still haven't looked back at my mom's diary, too afraid to see what she is writing. I can't bear to see if Haerin is still in pain—or if she might have moved on. I wouldn't blame her if she did. It's been over a month since I last saw her and we quite literally were only a couple for two days before I got stuck here. That doesn't stop me from thinking about her every single day. It doesn't hurt as much as it used to. It's more just like a piece of my heart was cut off and is stuck there and I don't know if it'll ever grow back. I know I belong here in the present, but is it so bad to wish that I was born into their timeline? That I can live and co-exist with them. Then again if I existed then instead of now I wouldn't have met Hanni—or atleast I wouldn't be her friend. I couldn't exist in a world without Hanni. I know I couldn't.
"You look like you're thinking really hard. What are you thinking about?" Right now Hanni is lying next to me in my bed watching some tv show with me. I have been spending a lot of time with her lately, even more than I used to. I'm not complaining. I love hanging out with the Vietnamese girl, but I feel like I'm never alone anymore. 
"Honestly I was thinking about how I couldn't exist in a world without you." I froze realizing that probably sounded really odd without any context, but I can't really give her any without telling her I traveled back in time and something tells me that I shouldn't bring that up. 
"Well good thing you don't have to worry about that silly." Hanni laughs scooting closer to me slowly grabbing my arm and wrapped it around her shoulder. 
"Yeah it's good." I felt the smaller girl get closer to me laying her head on my shoulder. I know we shouldnt be this close. I know it's probably wrong, but I can't help but to lean into her as well. I look down at her face and see that her eyes are closed and her mouth is slightly open. She looks so cute right now. I whip my head away trying to get rid of these thoughts. Should I give up on Haerin? Should I move on? 
"I want to be in your brain for one day just to know what goes on up there." Hanni lifts her head off my shoulder sitting up to where she is looking down at me. I try to stifle a laugh, but it does escape from my lips causing the girl above me to crack a huge smile. "I love when you laugh—you haven't done it in so long it's good to hear again." A small piece of Hanni's hair fell causing it to fall on the smaller girl's face. I reach up slowly, putting it behind her ear with my hand to not startle her. Hanni's face immediately fell, the smile no longer residing on her face. I let my hand linger on her face for a couple more moments than I should have before I pulled it back down to my side. Hanni looked like she was about to cry startling me up so I was sitting up as she sat crossed legged on my bed.
"What's wrong?" Hanni didn't look up and just mumbled something that I didn't hear. "What?" This time she was still looking down, but spoke louder. 
"Why can't you just love me? Why was it so easy to love her—but not me?" I frowned, leaning against my headboard looking at the solemn girl. 
"I don't know." I don't understand what more she wants from me. I thought we were going to move on.
"Do you still love her?" 
"Yes." Hanni finally looked up at me and there were tears streaming down her face. Damn it. Why do I always end up making people cry?
"She's gone Minji–she's been gone a month. You barely even knew her! I've never even met her. I just don't understand how you could love someone you barely knew." She's upset. She's very upset that's why she's being like this. I crawl over towards her, hugging her while pulling her closer to me.