chapter twenty-four

                                    

                                          
The stars were well high in the skyline as I waited anxiously for the elevator to arrive. My determination was already shifting to annoyance.
The reality was, I did default to anger whenever things didn't go my way. Esme would probably be able to give that particular behavior a specific and accurate name, but I'd rather not know.
I eventually found James in the living room, sitting on the sofa with a bored expression. He moved his eyes at me as I walked in.
"Hi... Can I sit down?" My voice was shaky.
"Sure." James sounded perfectly disinterested. What little words I had, died in my mouth.
I traced the floor and sat down on the opposite end of the couch, grabbing the remote and switching the TV to our favorite baking show.
He watched me in silence. Then it carried on towards the program.
When I felt myself shiver, I reached for the chunky white blanket. I eyed between it and James before deciding to throw it over the both of us.
"What do you want?" He spoke through his teeth.
"That's a good fucking question..." I sighed, rubbing my forehead.
I guessed I expected him to see it as a peace offering, but clearly, I'd only managed to confuse him. I couldn't blame him, I was confused too.
Every day of my life since my mom died, all I did was fight. Fight Arthur, fight for a place in a patriarchal, male-dominated industry, fight the bad guys, whoever they might've been. And now, I had to fight James every minute we spent together.
I was good at it. Excellent, some would say.
But fuck if it wasn't exhausting.
Maybe I just wanted it to stop. Maybe I just wanted some peace for a while.
With October two short weeks away, I felt extra burnt out. But I'll explain that later, reader. There's a lot going on.
"Migraines again?" James broke the silence for me.
"Yeah." I swallowed hard. "Day three is always a bitch."
I watched as he worked his jaw, wiggled the foot resting on his knee, fluttered his eyes for a moment. Then, he stretched out a hand with the palm up. Curled his fingers twice.
I almost went to place my hand on his, but it didn't feel right.
"That's not why I'm here." I stated quietly. "I think I, uh... Can we maybe- I mean, not we, can you- No, that's not what I want to say either."
My shoulders went all the way down with an annoyed exhale pushing through my clenched teeth. 
I didn't even know what I was trying to say. I considered getting up and discarding the whole thing altogether.
Hoping Li was right to at least some extent and James really was capable of hearing the things I didn't speak aloud, I dropped the strong front I hadn't dropped in years.
And just looked at him. Eyebrows pushed together and lips pressed on a downward curl and no filter masking my emotions.
He blinked two or three times. Then he mirrored me. His eyes softened and his chest trembled with a long exhale.
Neither of us moved, we simply stared at each other through the dark of the living room. The silence of a thousand apologies felt like the most meaningful conversation we'd shared in the last month.
You'd think this'd be the time for the heroine to deliver a powerful, inspired speech that makes everything right and fixes every plot-hole.
But alas, this isn't a romance novel, and I was no heroine.