Chapter 5: Sessions

                                    

                                          
Alison sits in the therapy room for her first solo session.
"Hello, I'm Dr. Anne Sullivan."
"Alison Dilaurentis."
"If you don't mind, I'd like to start by asking you some questions about your childhood."
"Ask away. I don't have anything to hide anymore."
"What was your relationship like with your parents?"
"Not great. They fought all the time. My brother used to protect me but then he discovered drugs. My mom made me lie for her. My dad was just an all around piece of shit."
"Okay. Sounds like you have a lot to unpack. Let's start with your brother."
"He's six years older than me. When our parents would fight, he would bring me to his room and play loud music and hold me until it stopped. But when he became a teenager, he started smoking weed. He was high all the time and wasn't there to protect me anymore. The fighting got worse, or maybe I just thought it did because I heard it all. He had the worst friends. They all hit on me. One of them went as far as..."
Alison's voice trails off as tears well up in her eyes.
"It's okay to talk about it. This is a safe space."
"He, um, he raped me. I was 13." Alison's voice cracks. "I'm sorry. This is the first time I'm saying it out loud."
"Don't apologize. You went through a really traumatic experience."
"Um. I screamed, hoping and praying that my brother would hear me. He didn't. He was already passed out."
"How did this effect your relationship with your brother?"
"I lost all faith in him completely. I didn't try to have any sort of relationship with him anymore."
"And what about your relationship with your mother?"
"It was better than my relationship with my father. We used to be close. Then she started making me lie for her. That eventually led to me lying to her. It became hard to keep all the lies straight, so it was easier just to make everyone hate me, her included. So I'd make cruel jokes. Play horrible pranks. I even became Rosewoods worst bully. Mimicking how she talked to people. I just wanted her approval. Wanted her to love me. I turned into someone I don't recognize. I think the worst my mom ever was though was the night I ran away. Someone tried to kill me. I think my mom thought I was dead. She didnt check. She buried me in our backyard. I don’t know who she was trying to protect but they must be someone important."
"You said this was better than your relationship with your father? How so?"
"My father was out right abusive. Mostly toward my mom and brother but eventually toward me too. I could handle it, mostly. Or at least that's what I told myself. Until he broke me completely. I had fallen in love with one of my friends. I bought a necklace I was going to give to her. I wanted to ask her to be my girlfriend. My dad found the necklace and told me that no daughter of his was going to be a dyke. He hit me hard enough I bled and put the necklace in the garbage disposal. That's when I lost the last shred of humanity I had."
"You still have humanity in you, it's just hidden behind a fortress of self preservation. We are, unfortunately, out of time today, but I have an assignment for you. I want you to write letters to the people who hurt you. Tell them how they made you feel. On Thursday, we will read those letters together and then burn them."
On Thursday, Alison meets with Anne again.
"Did you write your letters?"
"I did."
"Good. Let's start with the letter to your brother."
"Okay." Alison opens the letter and clears her throat. "Dear Jason, I miss the boy you used to be. The one who protected me when things got bad. When you stopped protecting me, my world fell apart. I had nobody in my corner anymore. Nobody trying to shield me from the monsters, so I became one. If you can't beat them, join them. For a while, I held on to hope. Hope that you would wake up and realize who I had become and the hand you played in that. But as Spencer always says, hope breeds eternal misery. I'm writing this letter to you now to tell you that I am taking responsibility for my actions and working to better myself and have a future that isn't bound by the name Dilaurentis. Can you say the same?"
"The way you wrote that is very mature. Not putting all the blame on him. Acknowledging that you share some of the responsibility but also holding him accountable for the part he played. Shall we move on to your mother's letter?"
"Dear mom, You think you are a Saint but you're not. Just because you donate a bunch of money to charity, it doesn't erase your sins. You taught me to be a liar and a manipulator and I let you, despite knowing it was wrong. Look where that got me? My self worth completely torn down. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted by the person I see staring back at me. Normal people from normal families don't tell as many lies as you do. They don't force their children to be secret keeping machines and they certainly don't bury their children in an unmarked grave. I don't want to be the person you taught me to be. I never did. I want to be better. To do better. To let myself love and be loved and at this moment, I can't do that because I don't feel like I deserve it. All the awful things I did. I can't take them back. No matter how badly I want to. You taught me that someone was only worth it if they looked good and carried themselves a certain way and that's how I treated the world. I tried to make people fit into that perfect little box and all it did was bring people pain. I hate myself for that. I hate you for it too. I'm not you and I never will be."
"Very good. Lastly, your fathers letter."
"Dear father, Mother may have made me a liar, but you broke me the most. I let you get in my head and make me believe my love is wrong. Because of that, I made horrible decisions. I partied with college kids. I let myself be used and abused by older men. I was convinced that their attention was what I needed because you told me that I had to be straight. I hurt the one person I care about more than anyone else in this world. I can't ever take those words back. I can't undo all the damage that was done. Your voice in my head led me to dark areas that I never should have gone to. Men in their 20s telling me I was so mature for my age. And I listened to them. I even convinced myself that maybe I could love them the way they seemingly loved me. I will never be able to forgive you for the hell I have been through because I listened to you. You are worse than a monster. You led your little girl straight down a path of self hatred and seeking validation and I think we all know where that path always leads."
"I'm very proud of you, Alison. Now, place them in this bowl."
Alison places them in a bowl on the coffee table between them. Anne hands her a match and Alison lights them on fire. Anne smiles at her.
"How does that feel?"
"Actually, it feels really good. Like I'm starting to regain control of my life."
"That's good. That is exactly how it should feel. That's why we do exercises like these."
"Thank you, Dr. Sullivan."