"there's not much to say. i can't even explain it." i mumbled as i sat up with my knees to my chest.
midnight moved to sit on top of my knees.
"there's always more to say." ashton added softly.
"look, i don't need the whole "suicide is wrong and selfish" talk. i know it is. which is why i didn't do it." i replied.
"i wasn't going to give you that talk in the first place." ashton chuckled softly. "i just need confirmation that you aren't going to kill yourself."
"i won't. now can we forget about this." i spoke with my hands over my face.
"not quite. when a person confesses suicidal thoughts to me or you couldn't tell me you weren't going to commit, i have a legal obligation to report it. in this case, because you are a minor i have to tell your legal guardian." ashton spoke slowly.
i froze and stared up at him.
"no, you can't do that. she's already going through so much ashton. i'm fine. i won't commit." i spoke softly.
"i could lose my license baby. i need to tell your legal guardian. as wrong and invasive as it is, i'm sure your mom would just want to help." ashton replied.
"you don't know her or us. just don't say anything please." i muttered sharply as my stare turned into a glare.
ashton gave me a sad look before standing up, "i can't guarantee anything. i'll let you sleep on it."
he left and shut the door to my room and i couldn't help but feel emotional.
mom couldn't take this right now. i already knew she was going to be outrageously mad. why can't i just lie and be okay with it?
i don't want to commit suicide, but one part of me wishes that i could find some sort of peace of mind.
i curled up into a ball and held midnight close before drifting off to sleep.
i woke up the next morning to someone softly knocking on the door. it was ashton.
"look, i also did some thinking last night because this is a personal and sensitive matter, but i need to tell your mom. i know it's morally probably wrong, but she's your legal guardian, i could lose my license for keeping this from her. no one else has to know though. that's for you to decide to tell." ashton spoke calmly as he stared at my half awake face for a second.
i nodded before slowly getting out of bed and walking to the restroom. i turned on the shower and changed out of my clothes and looked down at my thighs.
scars. old, not too old. deep, not too deep.
i had them on stomach and thighs to keep them hidden.
no one knows. i didn't want to worry my mom or anyone for that matter, so i kept it a secret. i'm 8 months clean.
i quickly showered before throwing on sweats and a baggy tshirt and socks. i tied my hair into a messy bun and walked out.
i saw all of the boys sitting there waiting. i grabbed an apple and we headed off to the hospital. we arrived at the hospital and ashton pulled me aside as everyone else went in.
"i'll be up right now. take a breather and feel free to talk with her before i come in." ashton spoke softly before giving me a supportive pat on the back.
i nodded and walked up to mom's room. i saw her sitting there on her phone before putting it down and staring at me.
"good morning baby." she smiled softly.
"morning mom. i-i have something to tell you b-before someone else does." i stuttered softly as i sat down in the chair next to her bed.
"what's wrong? are you sick? hurt?" mom spoke slightly alarmed.
"n-no, yesterday i lied. i-i didn't want to die, but i didn't want to not die. i don't know i'm sorry." i rushed out as i stared down at my hands.
i looked up at mom's reaction to see her staring blankly at me.
"jesus indigo, i don't need this right now. please i can't lose you baby. don't even talk about that shit. talking about it makes it happen." mom spoke swiftly.
"not true actually." ashton spoke as he stepped into the room. "not talking about it and letting your feelings become so strong is what causes it to happen."
"ashton you don't know that. don't influence my daughter to think that way. i knew it was you guys fault. my indigo would never think of suicide right baby?" mom spoke as she stared at me.
"i-i'm sorry." i stuttered out.
"stop stuttering and tell me you don't think like that." mom spoke with tears in her eyes.
"i-i do some- "oh my gosh, no. repeat after me. 'i do not think of suicide. suicide is selfish." mom spoke rushed.
i looked over at ashton and saw him giving her a disgusted look before responding.
"i do not think of suicide. suicide is selfish." i spoke back to her.
"good. problem solved." mom spoke before sitting back leaving ashton staring at her like she was from a different world.
"this is going to be a problem."
