jealousy, jealousy

                                    

                                          
swiping through social media, i can't help but compare myself to other girls online. i don't look like them, and i will never look like them. their perfect. then there's me. i'm not as slim as kendall jenner, i don't have a perfectly symmetrical face like other girls, i'm not as breathtakingly gorgeous as them; i'm just me.
all i see is girls too good to be true with paper white teeth and perfect bodies, and i can't help but want to throw my phone across the room every time i see them. i wish i didn't care, but i can't let it go.
i turn off my phone and walk over to the mirror. do i like what i see? no. not even a little. i'd kill to look like all the girls on social media. i can't help but pick apart my body bit by bit, piece by piece.
it's an awful mindset, really. it sucks. it feels like i'm stuck in a spiral; of hating myself and knowing that i will never change the way i look. i've tried, trust me. i've tried countless diets and countless different workouts, but they didn't work.
evan was there to help me through it. all of it. every setback, every improvement, he was there. he's perfect, and i love him so much. but i always wonder why he's with me. why me? he could pull any girl he wanted, but he chose me. i'm not as pretty as friends that he could date. yet i'm still the one she chose.
social media has a negative impact on me, and i've been telling myself to delete social media to help and improve my mental health, but i can't bring myself to delete it. i start to feel choked up and trapped when i compare myself to others. i'm so sick of it; i'm so sick of myself. i'd rather be anyone else.
"adina, dinner's here!" evan calls from the kitchen, his voice startling me. i quickly wipe away the tears that i let slip out of my eyes and let roll down my cheek, when he come's into the bedroom. "hey, uh the food here." he repeated, pointing to the kitchen behind with his thumb. we ordered in food tonight, as we were both to tired from work to cook.
"thanks, but i'm not that hungry anymore." i mumble, walking past him and into the living room. i plop down onto the couch when evan turns around with his eyebrows furrowed in all sorts of confusion.
"are you okay?" he hesitates before asking. i nod, picking up my phone and scrolling through instagram. the first think i see is a picture of a girl in a bikini - she looks perfect, she's everything i'll never be. i immediately turn off my phone as my breath hitches in my throat.
"darling-"
"i said i'm fine ev." i snap, rolling my eyes before resting my face in my hands. i feel bad for raising my voice. i feel bad for taking out my jealousy on him.
i don't have to look up to know that he's kneeled in front of me. he's so patient with me, which makes him so kind. i already know he knows what's happening. i don't have to explain myself. the tears start pouring down my face. i can't hold it in anymore, and i break down crying with my face in my hands. it doesn't take seconds to have evan prying my hands away from my face.
as soon as he does, my red swollen eyes on display for him, he pulls me into a hug. i gladly accept, practically crawling on his lap in a mere few seconds.
i just sob into evan's shoulder, while he holds me tight and rubs my back.
"i'm sorry," my cry muffles me against him, he immediately shushes me.
"hey, hey there is nothing for you to be sorry for. it's okay. i'm here. don't be sorry for having feelings and emotions." he assures me before kissing my forehead. "you're beautiful, regardless of what you think. i want you to know that. i need you to know that. i love so incredibly much."
i weakly sniffle into his shoulder, "but why me?" i ask, before letting out another sob.
"adi, you are the most attractive girl on the planet. you're gorgeous, stunning, hilarious, kind, loving, caring, fun. every fucking thing about you is perfect. i sometimes can't believe that i met you on set. i'm the luckiest girl in the world to have you be in love with me. i love you darling, don't ever forget that." his voice is soft in my ear, unintentionally making me feel stupid for crying.
"i love you more." i say before pulling away and flashing a weak smile at him.
"there's that smile." he smiles himself, causing me to weakly chuckle. holding my face in his hands, he pulls me in for a kiss so soft and full of love.
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this is kinda sad but i'm expressing how i feel and how i'm pretty sure every other girl feels at some point feels. i hope this is okay.
-abi<3
19/11/2022