39. Jona

                                    

                                          
I freaking hate this. I can't even take a shower on my own. I'm in Lando's hotelroom, not only because I want to be near him, but also because I can't get through the freaking motions all on my own. 
"I need your help putting the damn shower sack around my leg." I tell him, taking the special sack from my suitcase, and putting it next to me. I brought this small shower chair with me in my suitcase, which Lando just installed in the shower. 
"You want me to put it on in the shower or here?" 
"In the shower, but let me get out of my clothes first." I tell him, stripping myself from my clothes. 
"This might be my favourite thing of you being in a cast." Lando chuckles, as he's putting the sack over my leg in the shower. 
"Oh you just love to see me naked." I say, a chuckle in my voice as well. 
"You know I do." Lando answers cheekily, turning on the shower, but not before placing a kiss on my lips, sending butterflies through my stomach. 
I enjoy the shower for as much as I can. Letting the hot beams of water calm down my body. I need that a lot lately, feeling a little stressed out and anxious. I know Lando's noticing, and he's been asking about it a bit, not directly, but he's actually interested in it. 
I can feel tears pricking in my eyes, I just let them stream. 
I feel so stupid, stupid for going home and playing that match. Stupid for making that tackle and tearing my ankle ligament. I feel like a major fuckup for not being able to do everything that is expected from me during this internship. There's just nothing I do well. Even people that don't know me let me know that on social media on a daily.  
"Jona are you okay?" I hear Lando say from the other side of the bathroom door. The door isn't locked, but he's there respecting my privacy. 
All I can do is cry more. The tears keep streaming, and I can't get them to stop. 
"Is it okay if I come in?" Lando asks, and I try to say yes in between my sobs. 
Lando carefully enters the bathroom, turning off the shower, and wrapping my body in a towel. He just goes through the motions quietly, letting me cry. He dries off my body, helping me into my underwear and one of his long t shirts. After that he helps me to the bed.
Tears are still streaming as I lay in Lando's arms. He's silently whispering sweet things to me, trying to calm me down. And slowly it's working. 
"It's all too much." I admit to Lando, once the tears seem to calm down a bit. 
"I know." He says stroking my hair. 
*** 
I wake up with sore eyes. It's not really surprising considering all the crying I did last night. What is surprising though is that Lando is not next to me. 
I sit up on the bed, realising there's faint noises coming from the bathroom. 
"Lando?" I call out. 
He's quick to exit the bathroom. "You're awake." He says rushing to my side. 
"I am." I tell him. "What time is it?" 
"Eleven. You slept in." He tells me, and I immediately recognise that this means Lando is too late for his media duties. "And before you go telling me I'm late, I made them reschedule my stuff." 
I sigh, realising Lando really knows me well. Even after the few months we've only really known each other. 
"Jona," Lando starts taking a seat next to me. "I think it is better if you stay off of your McLaren duties for a while."  
I can feel tears pricking in my eyes again, making me realise that he is really right. "I know. I am just scared of the consequences it has for my studies." I tell him, afraid I won't be able to graduate after doing this internship. 
"We'll figure that out, but your mental health is suffering." Lando says. "I also think it would be good if you plan in a session with you psychologist today or tomorrow." 
"I will." I tell him. 
"Not to make you worry again, but I've got you a meeting with Andreas, Alana and Zak in an hour. It's here in the hotel, just for your sake. It's about how we're gonna take care of your duties. But truth be told, we all saw this coming." Lando notifies me. 
"That's fine," I answer, reaching for my crutches so I can go and get myself ready. 
*** 
The meeting with Andreas, Alana and Zak was actually really nice. They all were really caring for me, taking in the importance of mental health. Something that I've learned is something they take really seriously. 
We've decided that it is better for me to stay off of the on grid duties until I'm out of the cast. Which means I'll probably be back doing stuff in Austria, when Emily comes to join us. In the mean time I'll be doing small tasks, whenever I feel like doing them. But we're taking the pressure off. 
So here I am now, sitting in a Starbucks in the centre of Baku Carmen and Charlotte. I've told them both that everything I've been through in the last few months had gotten to me, and they've been very supportive. 
It's great not being on the track during the race weekend for a bit. We also made an agreement that we're spending the weekend together. Or at least the racing periods. The idea of that calms me down, realising I've picked up some friends along the way. But even more importantly I won't be alone. 
"How was your day?" Lando asks as he gets into the hotel room. 
"I had fun. Went out for coffee with Carmen and Charlotte and after that we went to the movies." I tell him, a bright smile on my face. 
"I'm glad you had fun. You deserved that." He says. "Now let's order some food." 
We spend the night together, enjoying the roomservice food we ordered and watching some Netflix as well. 
On Friday I wake up in Lando's arms. His grip tightening when I try to wiggle out of it. I look at the window only to realise that it's probably still early. I close my eyes again, hopeful of falling asleep again. Sadly, that didn't happen. 
As Lando and I are arriving at the track, I immediately Alana making her way over to us. "Netflix want you in Drive to Survive." She says pointing at me. 
"Why?" I ask, not really feeling up to it. 
"They're making a video on support systems, and you two both working for McLaren is of course a wonderful storyline." Alana shrugs. 
"Let them ask me again when I'm out of this stupid cast and can actually do stuff myself." I tell her, not feeling up for being in front of a camera at all. 
"So where are you going to watch the race?" Lando asks me as we're walking toward McLaren hospitality. 
"Well we decided that we're going to play old fashioned rock-paper-scissors to decide that, so not I'm not sure yet. We're meeting up here though." I tell him, as we're walking excruciatingly slow, because I decided I did not want to be pushed around in a wheelchair. 
"Are you sure I shouldn't let someone get the wheelchair?" Lando asks as we're taking a seat in the hospitality building. 
"Yes," I say sternly before taking a sip of my hot tea. Lando being so caring is actually getting to me.