Oliver: I don't even play an active role in my life. Stuff just happens and I'm just like "oh, we're doing this now? Okay"
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Oliver: Omg, there's a dog in my yard, this is the best day ever! Hello fuzzy baby.
Oliver: That isn't a dog…
Oliver: THAT IS NOT A DOG!
Oliver: BEAR!!!
Oliver: ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!
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Oliver: I just want to say from the bottom of my heart, and on behalf of everyone else. I did not sign up for this shit.
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Oliver: Day 1 of eating every plant I see.
Oliver: Something bad is happening…
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Oliver, talking to a disgruntled 5 year old: Aww, I'm sorry to hear that. But look, you'll probably feel much better about it when you have a snack.
Oliver, responding to his partner about being anxious: Hmm, fair. But you also probably feel better once we eat something
Oliver, responding to his mum telling him she's always tired: And are you sure you're eating enough? like stuff with protein and carbs and fats?
Oliver, foregoing a real dinner to get more stuff done and feeling like crap: Ay caramba¡
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Oliver: If someone just handed me a pressure washer and let me loose in the streets I would go on into a trance and start hosing everything down in sight. It's not a question of how much I could clean, but how long until I get hit by a car and die.
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Oliver: If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "thank you" will suffice. None of this "how did you get in my house?" business. So rude.
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Oliver: Aria, I tried to make noodles in the coffee pot.
Oliver: And I broke everything.
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Oliver: "I don't care" I say, caringly, as I care deeply.
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Oliver: Once in the 5th grade this kid called me a homo, and I thought it meant homeless so I was confused and said "Jeremy, you've been to my house"
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Oliver: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again for taking advantage of my naive and forgiving nature! How dare you!
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