1. She's so tired

                                    

                                          
I'm so tired. 
I have thought about this plenty of times just so I can be sure I have nothing left on this world. And I don't. I didn't have last 4 times when I tried to kill myself but somehow I'm still here. 
I hope this is the last time because I am even tired of trying to end it at this point. Every time I wake up in a hospital and the only sentence I hear from doctors is 'you are young' or 'live your life while you can since it was given to you'.
I don't believe in second chances. I never have. With relationships, and well suicide. I didn't think there would be second time but here I am trying it for the fifth time.
Yes, my life has made me this much miserable. The reason I am killing myself will always be my own secret. 
Well not much of a secret when everyone knows how shit your life was. How treated were you and how you lived through it. But no one lives through what I have survived. 
At least I don't know any person who survived such things. I am not saying I have more reasons to kill myself than someone else. I am saying that maybe if I had person like that, the person who understands me, maybe I won't be doing this to myself for the 5th time. 
Yes I am that talented in life, I can't even kill myself. I have tried poisoning, overdose, cutting veins well I missed vein for few inches, as doctors say I was lucky and I even stabbed myself. 
But there was always one person who brought me to the doctor in time. My best friend Aisha. Well, ex best friend. I got mad at her for trying to help me. If I had just ended it first time I wouldn't be such pain in the ass for her. 
She wouldn't be thinking about me whole time. I am sure she has her own worries. But instead she is worrying if I am still alive. 
I cut every contact with her. I haven't seen her in weeks since I left hospital last time. And I think she had enough too. Which I am grateful for. I think? 
But now here I am over the fence of bridge with rock, that I found beside road, tied to my ankle. I have tried all of those things but never trying to drown myself. 
Maybe because no one will find me at the bottom of the river will make things easier. I sighed looking down. I was afraid of heights as well. But I think it's left to try. You know how they say you should try everything before you die? Yes, very ironic. 
I looked up to the sky. It was full of stars and I was afraid I won't ever see it again. But better somewhere without pain and suffering. And somewhere safe. 
I breathing heavily. I was having panic attack. My vision got blurry as I looked down one more time. God I shouldn't have done that. I could've just jump and it would all be over. 
My vision still blurry and I heard high pitched noise in my head. It was as if I didn't have feeling in this world, like I am not part of it anymore? Is this what it's like when you die. Blurry with annoying sound? Or you spend the eternity in the dark suffering because a suicide is a sin. 
But for me is a relief. I think that I would finally be relieved from all worries. So if that means that I could spend eternity in dark or fire just to get rid of this world then I am willing to take risk. 
I sighed and as I was about to let go of the grip I had on bridge's fence, strong hands grabbed me around my stomach pinning me to the bridge. Oh fucking no. He found me. 
Please, please. Just let go. I don't want to do anything with you. Not again. Not anymore. I tried to fight him off but I couldn't. 
"Please, just let me go." – I started crying worrying about my safety this time. "What? Are you insane?" - Unknown voice with a strange accent said behind me. It wasn't him. Then who the fuck is this?