Week 10: Part 1 • Harry *

                                    

                                          
***A/N: The weeks on the trip might get longer, because they will be doing so much in 7 days. So, I will probably split them up. This is the first part of the week leading up to them leaving. The second part of Week 10 will be them hitting the road.
Waking up next to Nola is my new favorite activity. That, and getting to explore the beautiful body that she resides inside of. A body that is constantly reminding her that she's a mother even when her girls are physically absent, seeing as she's already been awake this morning to pump. Now she's back to sleep next to me and I'm just enjoying my view of her resting body and remembering all of the amazing things it has done in the past twenty four hours.
There was a moment when I thought we were going to have sex last night. I saw it in Nola's eyes, too. I'm not proud to admit it, but when you've been with as many people as I have, you know the look well. Their eyes change from a timid wanting to a look of full desire. Their pupils dilate ever so slightly, their breathing not only changes but where their breath is coming from does. It moves from the anxiety-laced lungs to the passion-building stomach breathing. Their touch even changes. If you are paying close enough attention, it's really easy to read when someone wants it to go farther. The harder part is knowing when they want it to go farther for the right reasons.
Spending my formative sexual experimentation years in the public eye of every human on the planet, has given me a unique perspective on someone wanting to have sex with me for the right reasons. More often than I would like to admit they get the 'I'm about to have sex with Harry Styles eyes'. Then, I have to run through my meter of exactly how poorly this could turn out on the backside. Do they have pictures of me? Of us together? Do they seem the type to sell a story? Do we have protection? Did I give them my number? Do I actually like them? Would I like this to go past tonight? All while attempting to be a competent lover, capable of damn good foreplay and follow through, because if I don't go through with sleeping with them, then I need to leave them with a good impression in other ways.
If I do go through with it, it is almost always a one time thing. Which I have learned to be alright with. Most people just want to be able to say they have been there and done that. To be honest, most of the time, at least in my younger years, I just wanted a good fuck, as well. But now, as an actual adult, I find that I am looking for a deeper connection and would rather bi-pass the quick fuck.
I'm not saying that I'm looking for a relationship, necessarily, because I'm not sure that my pre-Covid lifestyle leaves me much space to maintain a healthy relationship. What I am saying is that the person I'm having sex with I want to be someone that I care deeply for, and know well. Someone that exudes joy and genuine happiness around me outside of the bedroom. Someone I want to be with more than once. Someone I would like to wake up next to. Someone like Nola.
With Nola, though, my biggest fear is that I am the person she's using to get over Luke and once that is out of her system, she will be gone. It's really hard to not take that personally. I can literally see her wheels spinning when we're together like she's trying to decide if she's comfortable moving in directions with me that we've been moving. It's clear that she's second guessing things sometimes, but as so many people in my life have reminded me I need to not take that personally. She's not just doing this for her, so her hang ups are likely rooted in the little women she has to bring along for any decision she makes. So, my guess is those moments of pause that she gives, in our most intimate moments, are her internal freak outs over what impact this will all have on the girls.
I think the girls are a hang up for both of us. They are hangup because neither of us want to hurt them with anything that we do.