Day Six | Bargaining

                                    

                                          
It's been a few days of the same logs into this video diary I've started for myself. It's become routine to sit down at my computer, record my feelings and move on in my day. Well, there is no moving on, it's coping... is it even coping? 
If you'd ask my friends they'd probably tell you I'm just existing. And even existing might be a stretch. Life is pretty much a darkness. Both inside my head, and my surroundings. Most days the most light I see is the one coming from my computer screen. 
Nick has full blown taken over the job of being Patches' father. He's been taking care of her because I can't even take care of myself. I'm not eating, I'm barely getting out of bed. I avoid my friends because they hate my just as much as she does. But do I fault them? Of course I don't. I ruined their friendships. I took away their best friend just as much as I took away my own. No one is happy with the situation I've created. 
"Hey sweetheart?" My mom doesn't even knock before she enters my room. She speaks for a warning and just twists the knob and walks in. I don't blame her, I wouldn't have invited or responded to her calls anyways. 
"I know you're sad. I know you're hurting. But you can't live life like this." My mom crosses my room and pulls back the blacked out curtains. The light blinds me and I groan from her actions. If I want to mope, just let me mope. These are my issues, not hers, not anyone else's. It's my life. Why is anyone trying to fix the way I live my life? I'm old enough to make my own choices. 
"I'm living quite fine." I pull my comforter over my head to block out the light she's bothered me with. 
"Sitting in your room in darkness isn't living. You made this choice Clay. You chose not to be with her. You knew the repercussions. You know how she reacts to things and you did this anyways. Everyone tried talking you out of it. But you are too stubborn for your own good." I wonder who I got that from. 
Okay, it wasn't actually my mom. I definitely get my stubbornness from my dad. I wouldn't say being stubborn is always a negative attribute as well. Sometimes good things come from being stubborn. Stubbornness gives drive, passion, the will to fight for what you believe. It's a double edge sword most the time though. You've got to learn when to let go. I haven't learned that bit yet. 
"You've made your bed. You need to lay in it honorably, not like this. You say you let her go to better yourself and for her to better herself right? So you can learn to live better together?" My mom questions me. They're questions she knows the answers too. As much as she doesn't need a response, I do give her one with a simple nod of my head. 
"So start living. Start bettering yourself so that when you find each other again you'll be a better you." My mom sits on the edge of my bed. The bed shifts around her as she leans toward me to place her hand on my leg, a simple comfort if you may. 
"Nothing in writing says we will ever find each other again. That's the problem." I feel my throat closing. I feel my cheeks getting hot. I feel the drip begging to start in my nose as tears make their way to the surface. 
"You will." My mom squeezes her hand against my leg. "What's meant to be will be. She has always been a part of your life. Whether she's in it or out of it. She is always right beside you. You'll find your day back to each other. Even if it is the very last thing you do on this earth. It will happen. I do believe it." 
The bed shifts below me this time as my mom stands up from the bed to plant a kiss to my head. "Your sister would really like to spend some time with you. So if you find it in yourself to join her downstairs, she might just like you a little more than she admits."
With her simple ask hanging in the air, she leaves my room. The once dark room is now light. I can't just hide in the darkness. Well I could, I would just have to leave bed. And if I'm leaving bed, I might as well actually see my sister. 
A lot of people, even my fans, know how much time I spend with my sister. And honestly, I have been ignoring her. I don't know the last time I actually spent time with her one on one. With Nameless around it just never happened. Nameless was always here. My mom is right, I need to get out of my funk and get back to routine. 
As I go to leave my room I see the camera sitting on a stand above my monitor and I pause. I think about how spending time with someone I care about, someone I love, might change my perspective on everything. Only time will tell. 
Time does tell, because as I'm sat on the couch with my sister I see movement out front. My heart wants to believe it's her coming back, but as I focus out the window it's nothing but a passerby. It's just a random person walking the streets. But it gives me hope that one day she will come back. It makes my heart feel a little more warm than it has been.
"You're being a child." My sister, also known as Drista, calls me out on my bullshit. I know she's been holding it back since I joined her in the living room. She loves Nameless like a sister. This affects her too. 
"Please do explain." I motion with my hands for her to start her inevitable spiel. But she just looks at me and shakes her head. 
"You already know you're acting like a child. It's why you hide away in your room. You know you messed up. So now you're pouting like a baby." The sass on my sister's tone matches the tone I have a lot of the time. She truly is pretty much my twin just younger. I'm sorry mom and dad. 
"I'm out here with you aren't I?" I return her sass with sass of my own. I'm the master. You can't out sass the man who taught you the ins and outs of attitude. 
"Moping around. I want my fun brother." She crosses the couch and shakes me. I roll my eyes and shrug her off. I'm trying my best. This is the most work I've done since I sent Nameless off. Drista should really feel lucky I've even left my room. 
"When you learn heartbreak, which I hope you never do because I will kill whoever hurts you, you'll understand. But until then let me live my own truth will you kid?" I look at my sister with raised brows. She lets me win this battle. But it's only by the skin of my teeth.
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does anyone else miss drista's banter and attitude as much as i do. i hope with dream's face reveal out well get more drista back in our lives. she's a character just like her brother and we need more of her. 
i hope you enjoyed, if you did make sure to leaves some love with comments and likes. you guys dont understand how happy it makes me feel every time i read a comment or see the likes fly in. warms my little heart!
hope you're all doing well! 
much love, ashley <3