Chapter Four

                                    

                                          
Broken people don't hide from their monsters. Broken people let themselves be eaten.
-Francesca Zappia
ANTICIPATION
(Envy)
William Nile wants so, so bad to just be present and exist with the people around him.
He wants to engage with his foster family and the people who call him their friend, he wants to show them, with everything in him, the appreciation and sincerity he has. He wants them to know all about the compassion and kindness and rage and tenderness he has. 
Will wishes with everything to show love freely, to love freely but in an odd, dissociated and rather distant way, his own mind always stops him from having as big of a presence that he wants and his own body stops all of his would-be attempts at human connection. He does appreciate them, he is compassionate and kind and rage-filled.
He just can't- -won't- -show it.
There is something in his way, a barrier in his mind that says things like they don't want you anyway and you're not good enough and you never will be.
Perhaps that's why when Clement- -who had taken the habit of waiting to eat just to talk to him, despite how much he loves food- -calls him down for breakfast, it makes Will uncomfortable with the intimacy of a shared meal. Why, when Clement tells him literally everything he has ever seen happen at the previous soccer try-outs, in a calm, thoughtful voice it makes Will shift in place. He's not rushing about his words, and to Clement, that means he cares.
Why, when Jude is protective over him, telling him everything from "Don't be afraid to call those assholes out." to "If you're overwhelmed, we can go on a separate run." on the car ride to the field, about to experience the first day of soccer try-outs, it makes his stomach twist -and when Demi tells him he'll make sure he knows everyone's names by the end of the day, it only makes him more anxious. Demi doesn't even know everyone, he's the one with social anxiety.
And maybe that's why when Minerva tells him they'll make sure to put him in as a designated sweeper, despite never wanting one on the team, it kind of freaks him out that the girl who doesn't compromise for anyone, is compromising for him.
He doesn't want their kindness when he doesn't think he deserves it; not when he doesn't know how to accept their friendship because he doesn't know how to be a good friend.
They all got there half an hour early so Clement could set up his booth and Minerva could talk to the Coach, but for some reason Will feels bad about it. It feels like he's getting special treatment. Feels like he's doing something bad, as if he crossed some invisible line or broke an unspoken rule.
William doesn't know what to do about that.
"Hey, Red, you should meet the coach first." An unfamiliar voice behind him announces behind him, making him jump -both physically and out of his thoughts. "He's an ass."
A very pale person that's about three or four inches shorter than William himself (close to five-foot four) with short, cropped and dyed purple hair, flashy, rather cool-looking grey eyes. They're dressed in a deep purple sweater that has a yellow diamond on the front, cropped to come up to the middle of their waist, simple black athletic shorts and sneakers.
For the life of him, Will cannot decide what gender they are but doesn't know the proper way to ask.
"Um... thanks." He smiles weakly, internally conflicted on how to proceed with the conversations, more-so because they're smirking up at him with a cocky glint in their eye that he's associated with Jude's momentary harassment, but he's also extremely self-conscious about how he presents in front of others.