C. 11

                                    

                                          

This morning when I left for Naples for my medical conference I had the mood under the ground, as I had for the whole week. After "punishing" Maya with the treatment of silence for almost two days, I called her and we tried to have a little clarification by phone, but she could not quite challenge my resistance. If I'm to be honest, I have to admit that I actually trust Maya blindly and I know she wouldn't have done anything more than what she did, which was to write a few messages to some stranger to have her heads out of the way. Inside me, however, thousands of paranoias have opened up related to the fact that perhaps I am not enough for her, perhaps all this seriousness that has been there since the beginning in our history has forced me to invest so much and now I feel drained and empty. I needed space and time away from her, although over the course of the week we then spoke more regularly, trying to leave aside the subject of the debate, which for me is not entirely clarified. If I have to treat Maya as a "normal" person and not problematize her condition, it is clear to me that this behavior I do not tolerate. I'm not saying I see it as a betrayal, but it's definitely a way of escaping problems that bothers me and makes me insecure. I know that the lack of sexuality is related to herself and not to me, but the fact that with other people she has not had or does not have problems makes me insecure, it makes me enter the vortex of "what if it were me that she does not like enough?". On the one hand I think they are all topics that we should talk about, on the other hand, however, I think that perhaps one of our problems has been to talk too much and leave aside all the sensations we feel, the desires, the actions that come from the belly and bowels.
Being able to focus on the conference today gave me the opportunity to detach my brain a little, but from the time of the little buffet that has been offered to us at the end of the day, I began to have a bad mood again, because I do nothing but think about the fact that if things had gone differently last weekend, today I would have had Maya here with me. 
I'm in my hotel room, I'm already about to change into my pajamas, before requesting dinner in the room and pretending to be the protagonist of some American TV series that cries bitter tears with sushi and vodka from the minibar immersed in a white and soft duvet. When I'm about to get into the shower though, I see that Maya is calling me and I decide to answer, locking myself in my bathrobe. 
C < ehi..> I only say and for a moment I try to hold back the smile of well-being and relaxation that is drawn on my face just to receive her call, despite everything.
M < ehi, where are you?> she asks directly. 
C < in my room, I was just to getting in the shower..> 
M < perfect..!> she exclaims and I am a little surprise. 
C < perfect...why?> 
M < go get the shower, dress up and I'm waiting for you here downstairs: we go out to dinner..> for a moment I take my phone away from my eyes and look at it with confusion, wondering if I ended up in a parallel dimension.
C < Maya, I'm sorry, what are you talking about?>
M < I'm here, in front of your hotel... > she says, laughing. < come on! I'm waiting for you..>
C < you cannot be serious!> I say in disbelief and I hear her laughing. Then every noises goes out and I realize that she turned off the call. Shortly after I get a message on whatsapp with her selfie attached in front of the entrance of what is actually my hotel. Invigorated by this surprise I throw myself in the shower at the speed of light, completely excited by the sudden turn of my evening.
I almost run through the corridors of the hotel and down into the lobby, to get out of the hotel and run towards her, hugging her tightly. Maya laughs at my emphasis and holds me in her arms: it's our first real physical contact after what happened before the fight and I think it's good that it happened without either of us thinking too much about it. I detach myself slightly from her and kiss her, immediately trying to deepen the contact, touching her lips with my tongue. When I need air to breathe I detach myself and give her a small slap on the face.