C. 09

                                    

                                          
I enter Maya's car trying to leave out the aura of embarrassment that has surrounded us since last night. I thought all night about what happened and never thought I would have to overanalyze a simple kiss on the couch. I realize, however, that what for me was a wonderful kiss, which caused in both of them obvious excitement, for Maya is something more. For her it became something to be ashamed of and I'm sorry at that moment I was not able to do anything to distract her thought and continue our evening. I would be hypocritical if I did not admit that at times this situation weighs on me, but in a good way: I feel feelings for Maya now and the desire for her grows every second more. I wish I could have her one hundred percent, in every aspect, and give her vice versa one hundred percent of me. I realize, however, that for Maya it is really difficult and what seem to be small steps forward, sometimes even a little nerve-wracking, for her are instead giant steps, which cost her immense effort.
However, I do not regret asking her to accompany me to my medical conference next weekend. I still don't know if she will say yes and maybe I asked her at the wrong time, but I really would like to spend time with her in a different place than usual and with different habits than usual. 
In the night then there was also room for my paranoia: sometimes I tend to give privilege to Maya's thoughts, but I also have my difficulties. Even for me to know her friends is a really important step and today I am as excited as a child, but so much so that I almost paralyze myself.
M < hi..> she says, even before that I can sit on the seat. I look at her and smile: I'm unsure if I can kiss her or not, but it's Maya that take the lead, leaning towards me. 
C < hi...> I say on her lips. < how are you?> I ask, when she stars the engine. 
M < better..> she just says. < and you?> I look at her and I choose to be honest. 
C < I didn't sleep very well..> Maya looks at me in passing, before focusing on the road.
M < I'm sorry for my behavior last night. I closed myself off and didn't have to keep you out.
C < it's ok..> I just squeeze her leg and then I try to pull my hand away, not wanting to overwhelm her, but it is Maya who holds my hand, intertwining our fingers, and then resting it on my lap. She drives like this, occasionally raising the fist of our hands, to change gears.
M < so didn't you sleep for my fault?> she asks. 
C < I didn't sleep because I had so much thoughts..about last night and about today..> she barely smiles. 
M < are you excited?> I nod and take the opportunity to change the subject and talk about the meeting that will soon be with her friends, making her say to me once again who will be present and where we will go. I study the road on Maya's cell phone that is hung on the windshield and it acts as a navigator. Suddenly, however, as I am about to comment on the place where we are going, I feel the world fall on me.
C < I can't believe you!!> I explode suddenly and Maya immediately look at me, confusion all over her face. Then she realizes that I'm focus on her phone, while I keep saying that I can't believe it, anger growing in me so fast: she moves her look from the phone to me and then again on the phone. Now I'm the one who cannot look at her eyes. 
M < shit..> she whispers.
C < I can't believe it, Maya!!> I almost scream.
M < it's not like it seems...> she rushes to say and here it is, the typical cheaters' sentence. As I think about it, I also reflect that neither of them had ever mentioned any exclusivity, but I also think it was obvious at this point.