Missing

                                    

                                          
Sophie's POV:
As soon as the plane left the ground and slowly disappeared on the horizon I knew I had lost the fight. There was no way of turning back now. 
Ever since that evening when his touch had electricised me for the first time, my mind and my heart had fought a hard battle. I had tried to win control over the growing awareness of a feeling I had never noticed before, but that most certainly had been inside of me for a long while. Maybe since the first second I heard that deep, baritone voice behind me and turned around to see to whom it belonged. I touched his large, soft hand when the director introduced us. I saw his special eyes for the first time sparkling behind his long curls. And I thought 'Wow, this man has something special.' And that was even before he blew me away with his talent and kindness.
On the way home I felt tears running down my cheeks. Soft, without blinding me, but filled up with feelings. I couldn't believe I was able to miss a person so much with the knowledge that he would come back in a few weeks. 
But every single day I did. And the more time passed, the worse it seemed to get. Ben sent videos from him skydiving and dancing on a glacier. They made me both smile and cry at the same time. I wondered if he sent them to Olivia as well. Apparantly, they were still friends and had regular contact. To my opinion, that like that he would never really get over her, he didn't listen, or didn't want to listen. Maybe he was right to do so. I couldn't tell anymore what of what I said was jealousy or mature thinking. I had always been proud of my ability to never let any jealousy show on the outside by simply not allowing the feeling to grow on the inside. But now I wasn't so sure about that anymore. I wasn't sure about anything concerning feelings anymore. And for a person who is used to control her feelings pretty well, this was just overwhelmingly confusing. 
So all in all, during Ben's time in New Zealand, I was a psychological mess.
Nevertheless I was somehow able to not let that influence my work. On the contrary, I literally threw myself into it. I also started singing again, mostly french. I just loved the beautiful tone of the language. Leila was constantly annoyed by it, she didn't like french at all. But the longer Ben stayed away, the more she seemed to hold back her sass and the longer she seemed to watch me with concern. I tried to ignore it, thinking that most of the time I was able to not show my inner trouble on the outside. But of course there were two people I couldn't fool. 
                          
'My god, Sophie, will you please talk to us?'
We sat in a calm, dizzy corner of a little pub, Fe and Leila leaning over the table. Since Leila did a pretty good job in the play (it didn't have much success though), she now got a role in nearly every one of my pieces (beside finally going to drama school) and she and Fe got along really well. She often joined him on his tours through the London gay bars, whatever she was doing there. Fe could go pretty crazy when he was drunk, so I was always glad when she arrived home safe. But after all she was a grown up girl and I wasn't her mother. But I had grown rather fond of her, whether I wanted to or not.
'About what?'
'You know what! It can't go on like that. This man is controlling your whole life. And with life I don't mean your work, though I know you love it. But  every other aspect of your life just seems to drown in your... Love!'
I shivered by the name of this word. That such a simple word could contain this crazy mix of feelings, half of which didn't even have a name.
'So what? Yes I love him, I fucking love him. But he's my best friend and I won't spoil that with telling him. I've done that mistake before, I've lost a really good friend because of it, I don't mean to do it again. And don't give me some stupid advise like 'You have to tell him or it will destroy you', because I already know that. The chance of loosing him is too high, and that would destroy me as well. You see? The choices are pretty nice.'
'But what if he likes you back?', Leila joined the conversation. 'He definately needs you. He couldn't even stand some weeks of not talking to you.'
'Of course he needs me, he's a fucking child.'
Fe grinned into his class. He loved when I got freaked out and started swearing.
'But wait, what do you mean?'
'Well, he nearly ran your door in, just to tell you some news he could've as well texted you. He definately waited for something good enough to see you again, because he missed you.'
'That doesn't proof anything. Guys I won't let that destroy our friendship.'
'But then you need to do something to get over him. I can't bear seeing you so unhappy.'
'I'm not...'
Fe gave me what I called his 'Mycroft-look'. In the first episode of Sherlock when John meets Mycroft for the first time, he asks him to show his left hand. John refuses at first, but gives in after Mycroft gave him that exact look. I didn't quite know how to describe it. It meant something like 'Please - you know I know better.'.
'And what, in your opinion, am I supposed to do? I already nearly work 24 hours a day and every second I don't is torture enough.'
'Exactly. That's why I'd say give yourself some holiday, do something fun. Ease your mind instead of just distracting it by filling it up with other stuff. Go out, meet some guys, start dating again. The rehearsals to this play are nearly done, I'll take care of the performances.'
'That's nice of you, Fe, but you know I'm not good at this whole dating stuff.'
I knew I needed something serious to get over him. But I was still too much into him for being able to fall for someone else.
'We know and because of that I asked your parents if we could visit them next weekend after the premiere. I have to study for my midterms anyway and in Scottland there's at least nothing to distract me.'
'But that's the weekend when Ben comes back!' 
I wasn't sure if I could stand any additional day without him.
'Exactly. That's why we chose it.'
Fe took my hand and looked me in the eyes.
'Soph, we can't let you see him again until you feel better. You'll never get over him like that, if that is what you want.'
'Can't let me? You know you're not my parents, right? Also I don't really have a choice, do I?'
'There's always a choice.', Leila commented dramatically. I ignored it. 
'But are you sure Scottland is really the right place to go? It's very calm and gives you too much time to think.'
'Maybe you need that. Think it all through and then go and meet some friends. A bird whispered me that it's Cally's birthday on that Saturday and you got an invitation.'
Fe grinned secretive, while Leila tried to look innocent. Cally was an old high school friend of mine and her parties were always pretty crazy.
'Oh no, what have you two planned?'