Thirty - six | Falling Down

                                    

                                          
The following chapter contains depictions of body image, which some readers may find disturbing.
Reader discretion is advised.

                            

                                
                            
                              
                                  
                              
                              
                                
                                  
                                  
                                
                              
                             
                            
                            
                          
                          
Last night felt like a dream. It was such a good dream that I can't remember it. I can't even remember if I went to Nida and Ravi's reception or not. However, I do vividly remember what happened after the wedding.
My hands were all over Indra. My lips never touched hers even though I so badly wanted to. There was so much I wanted to do to her in that moment. 
The thoughts never stopped when I woke up and found myself completely crushing her. She had her arms sprawled out while mine were wrapped around her. There were bruises all over her chest that slowly traveled up her neck. 
I wasn't sure if I was scared or amazed by what I did. I mean, I left bruises on her neck. It doesn't sound like much, but goddamn did it feel like a lot.
However, I had to force myself to get off her when I remembered all of the alcoholic beverages I drank. The amount of calories I consumed had to be burned off so I made my way to the hotel gym. I'm currently in the locker room after finishing my workout. 
I've grab everything from my locker when the gym scale catches my eye. Stepping on it won't hurt as much. Dropping my gym bag beside the scale, I kick off my shoes and step onto the scale. My nerves tingle with anticipation as the numbers blink into focus, and my heart sinks. 
The same weight that haunted me is the same weight I dreamed about and now I'm staring at it, still unhappy. I take off my shirt and the number doesn't lower. I'm hesitant to take off my shorts, but with someone in the locker room with me, I stop.
Stepping off the scale, I put my shoes and shirt back on. I walk back to my locker, throwing my stuff back in, but I grab a pill bottle out of my bag first. It's diet pills. I have been taking two a day for months, but I feel as if they aren't working anymore. I grab one more, throwing it into my mouth and swallowing it dry. I grab my belt and wrist bands before heading back to the gym.
My eyes wander to see everyone with headphones on, moving weights or sitting on their phones in front of the mirror. I look for an empty machine when I see the deadlift.
I shake my head, putting my headphones on and begin to play 'In The End by Black Veil Brides.' Most of the songs I listen to are songs Noah would randomly send me at three in the morning when he couldn't sleep. He would even play them when he would stay at my house since it's the thing that bonded us. These songs are outdated, but I still listen to them. They remind me of him.
He would've loved to listen to the new Bring Me The Horizon album that came out last year. He probably would've sent it to me the minute it was launched. 
Counting the amount I'm about to deadlift, I land on the number three hundred. I put my belt on and wristbands before I prepare myself to lift the weights.