Chapter Nine: After (cont'd)

                                    

                                          
***
What had just happened? What had he done? For 17 years, Nick had promised himself that if he ever had the opportunity, he would apologize to Charlie for what had happened. And instead, he had driven a larger wedge between them. The last month — all of their reconnecting — had just gone up in smoke because Nick hadn't been able to get a handle on his emotions. 
Of course Charlie hadn't come to him just to pour salt in a wound. Why had he assumed that was his intention? Half an hour ago, Charlie had said that he brought this dilemma to Nick because he trusted him. Now, Nick had broken that trust by acting petty and aggressive when what Charlie had asked for was empathy and understanding.
He lay in a heap on his couch, defeated. Edwin hopped up from the floor, nestling into the narrow crook of Nick's waist as though he knew that something bad had just happened. Nick buried his face in the dog's soft fur.
Of course Nick didn't want Charlie to move to Edinburgh. But he couldn't very well say that, could he? And if Charlie had invested all this time with this 'Thomas' person — if this man made him happy, and treated him well — well enough to be talking about a future together...
The fur against Nick's nose was salty and wet now. A future without Charlie. What had been a fact of life just over a month ago now felt intractable. 
Nick thought back on the last decade and a half, before Charlie had reentered his life. He had dated people on and off after their split, but he had never allowed any of his relationships to turn serious. He had always prided himself on being excessively kind to his partners, while he was with them; then again, he thought now, maybe leading people on for months before inevitably letting the relationship fizzle was something other than 'kind.' But with Charlie, it had been different; Nick had been committed. He had known he was safe with Charlie. Back then, he could take risks and be vulnerable and he knew Charlie would support him. 
But now, the idea of opening up felt off-limits. He trusted Charlie like he trusted gravity, but couldn't possibly be honest. Because being honest would mean telling Charlie he still loved him, and dropping a bomb in the middle of his life. 
Nick was properly crying now. He was stuck between two options: apologizing and settling for a long-distance friendship that—although not based on a lie—was certainly based on a large omission, and the complete impossibility of telling Charlie the truth and probably alienating him forever. Nick gave a shuddering sob, and then sighed, sitting up and resting his elbows on his knees. He leaned forward and pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. Maybe he should cut his losses and leave the situation alone. Maybe he and Charlie had had their day, and it was finally time to let go. 
Charlie would be fine without him, Nick knew. He had other people in his life who he trusted deeply — lifelong friends like Tao, and Elle, and Isaac. His sister Tori, his brother Oliver. Surely any of them would better understand the Edinburgh issue. 
Nick's thoughts resumed their orbit around the one question that had been nagging him all night: So why had Charlie come here?
Unless... 
Nick had been deliberately ignoring the possibility that Charlie didn't want to move to Edinburgh with Thomas. That Charlie had come to Nick because he was about to walk off a cliff, and wanted to know where they stood. Nick's breath quickened. For the first time, he allowed himself to contemplate: What if he came clean? 
At this point, he had to admit he had nothing to lose.