forty seven

                                    

                                          
So wrong.
So fucking wrong.
Everything went so fucking wrong.
I messed up.
So much.
I slam the door after me before I go back to my car and with a last glance, I drive off without any destination in mind. I just want to escape.
Escape from what?
I have no fucking clue. I just want to be away from her, I guess.
As I drive further, I pull out my phone from my pants and put it into a phone holder on my console. I unlock the phone, holding the wheel with my one hand when with the other I search for one name on my contacts list. I flick my eyes from the screen to the road in front of me until I find the right number.
"Shit" I curse under my breath as I notice that my car is almost on the opposite lane. I grab the wheel with both of my hands and turn it slightly, returning to my side of the road with a relieved sigh.
More carefully this time, I press the button on my phone and it begins to call. After a few rings, they pick up.
"Hello?"
"Bella Hadid! Music to my ears!" I exclaim loudly, focusing fully on the road.
"Oh my, Perry Clower! I didn't hear from you for ages. What's up, babe?" She inquires and I hesitate for a moment.
Do I really want to go this way?
"Do you have a contact to JJ?" I question her and my shoulders tense at the silence following after.
"JJ? Why do you need a number to him?"
"I just want to lose a little tonight" I reply and I hear her sigh on the other side of the phone. It irritates me slightly. She did worst things. I won't listen to a lecture about it. Not tonight. "Listen, it's not a big thing. I just want anything. C'mon, Bella, don't leave a girl hanging out here" I plead in a whine tone. I feel my eyes begin to burn with tears again at the thought of having to have a clear mind tonight.
"Alright, fine. Em, I don't have a number to him-"
"Hey, c'mon. Don't lie to me now, love" I cut in sternly.
"Don't interrupt me, Clower" She hisses at me and I mumble a quiet 'sorry, continue'. "I don't have a number to him, but he's gonna be in the club tonight. We're having a party there with a few friends. You can come if you want, I bet he'll be happy to finally see you after years" She tells me and I exhale loudly in relief. 
"Yeah, yeah. I'm in" I declare as I lick my lips and look around to see where I am. "Just text me where and when, I'll be there"
"Okay, fine. I see you soon, Clower"
"Bye, Bella"
I still have a few hours for the party to start, so I decide to drive to the studio for the time being. If I can't get high right now, I'll get a drink while I drown myself in the music.
As I drive to the studio, I start thinking about the whole evening.
I tried for so long to change my habits, trying to become the best version of me for her. Everything I did, it was for her.
And she didn't even give me a benefit of the doubt.
Did she never trust me? Did I seriously change my whole life for a girl who still was having doubts about me? I confessed my fucking love for her. I did everything to show how I love her and she even didn't give me a chance to explain myself.