Festus Saves Us All

                                    

                                          
     They were supposed to be going to war, but first they had to get there. Frank had never seen a map in his life and when he asked one of the knights how long the journey was to Jerusalem, they just laughed and told him to keep walking. Castor and Pollux were walking together, both of them muttering and throwing dark looks towards the knights. Leo and Jason were a bit behind Frank, so he fell back to join them. "Do you have any idea how long this journey will take?" Frank asked.
    Jason shrugs. "Beats me. Probably a long time."
     Frank groaned. "Don't you groan," Leo chided. "A longer journey means you'll have more time to listen to my amazing jokes!"
    He looked around to make sure no one could eavesdrop. "Want to hear some jokes I wouldn't say in Church?"
     "Go ahead," Jason said. "You're the reason I'm headed this way."
      "Ahh," Leo said with a smile and florist of his hands. "Like a knight errant wooing after his lady-love."
     Jason frowned. "Wouldn't my lady-love be Piper?"
    Leo waved his hand in a dismissive fashion. "Whoever heard of a knight loving a woman he was actually married to?"
      "Well, I'm just a humble soldier," Jason replied. 
       But Leo's eyes were already gleaming as if he could see something they couldn't. "In a hundred years, they will be telling tales of this crusade. They'll speak of the brave Jason, the beautiful Piper, and their favorite jester: Leo McShizzle."
       Frank frowned. "What about me?"
        "And Piper isn't even here," Jason said. "How can she be in the story?"
     Leo sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes. "Why are you questioning my story? Oh fine! Dear Lord, you see how the world persecuted the most talented of us all! Frank, you'd be the knight separated from your lady-love through the evil designs of Octavian who has captured her. Jason, you would be going on this journey to win Piper's affections. Any questions?"
       "If I'm a knight, can I have a steed?" Jason asked.
     "Sure, what would you name it?" Leo asked.
      "Tempest," Jason said at once. "He would be a gray stallion."
     Their talk reminded Frank of the time Hazel had ridden Arion and how happy she'd looked. He wished he could live in that moment again — perhaps forever. Why couldn't life be just the good moments like that one and none of the bad? Frank knew the answer he'd learned in Church, but why should all of humanity be punished for Adam and Eve's wrongdoing?
       The march was long and hard and by the time they settled down that night, Frank's soles were sore. He wondered how he could ever manage to get all the way to Jerusalem; perhaps I'll die of exhaustion en route. The knights had the best packed provisions and they didn't share with the commoners who huddled around a fire they started on their own.
     The horses grazed, their reins tied to trees to keep them close. Frank and Jason caught a rabbit and Leo roasted it over the fire. Castor and Pollux provided the wine that they mixed with water from a nearby stream. After they ate, Leo began recounting the tale of Yde and Olive while the stars began to show their shy faces.
      Frank had heard the story of Yde and Olive before, but he still enjoyed Leo telling them about Clarisse and Florent's marriage, Clarisse's pregnancy, and the death of Clarisse in childbirth. Leo described Florent like Lord Dare in appearance and behavior — so when Florent announced he wished to marry his daughter, Yde, they all knew who he was obliquely criticizing. Frank was suddenly glad the knights weren't paying anymore attention to them.
      Leo told of how Yde disguised themselves in male clothes and presented as a man. As he told the story, he would change up the pronouns used for Yde — sometimes even in the same sentence. Frank's favorite part was when Yde told her wife, whom she had been awarded for her brave deeds as a knight to the king of Rome, her entire story.
    Olive swore not to tell her father anything and said she loved Yde just the way she was. In Leo's version, a nasty courtier named Octavian was the informant. The king decided to burn his daughter and her lover both at the stake until angel arrived  and told him Yde was now a man, and that the wedded pair would conceive a child, to be christened Croissant, that night. 
       Frank, Jason, Castor, and Pollux clapped. Leo's version was different than the poem sung in French courts, but it had its own special charm. "You're a good storyteller," Frank told Leo as they prepared to sleep.
      "What can I say?" Leo said with a shrug. "I'm multi-talented."
***
     The marching continued. Days blurred into weeks and then months. The terrain changed, but it did little to quell the men's growing complaints. Everyday the same ones: the lack of water, their tired feet, their aching limbs, their want of food. Leo's jokes fell flat and yielded fewer and fewer laughs. Eventually, he stopped. They'd stopped being men; they'd just become things that kept walking. Where was the glory promised to them? Was this what penance was supposed to be: mind-numbing hour after hour?
       Leo was the first to flop over. "I've had it," he said, his voice resigned and devoid of its former flair.
      Jason crouched down beside him and tried to get him up. "Come on. You got this."
    "No more," Leo said. 
    Castor sat down beside him and then Pollux. Frank saw the knights continuing up ahead on horseback. Jason was still trying to cajole them to get up, but they were as responsive as rocks. Suddenly, there was a commotion. Frank looked up to see a bush rustling and see a furry, golden blur headed towards them. As it drew closer, Frank realized it was a dog. 
     The dog barked and then drew up beside Leo, washing his face with its tongue. Leo began laughing and the dog, excited by the noise, wagged his tail. "Good boy!" Leo said, laughing and stroking the dog. "You make me happy. I'll call you Festus."
     After that moment, whenever they needed some cheering, Festus was there for them.