comedown

                                    

                                          
Sydney 
"Will, come on mate. I'm already drunk, one more won't hurt! It'll actually be great. It'll be great mate! Hey! Are you lissenin" I slurred over the bar, shouting to my friend as he polished glasses. 
"Sydney, you're lucky I even let you in here. You're pissed out your mind mate, I'll drive you home when I'm done closing." He sensibly replied, causing me to groan in frustration. 
"You sound like my dad!" I bit back in anger. 
"Yeah well that's my job. I told your dad I'd look out for you and how do you think he'd feel if I fed your addiction Sydney May." He huffed, turning to face me. 
Will only called me Sydney May when it was serious, just like my dad had. 
I could see his eyes slightly filled with tears even through my own blurred drunk eyes. Deep down I knew I shouldn't of used that line against Will, not after everything we'd both been through. 
"Sure, Dad would've loved to see me like this huh? God I'm a fucking train wreck." I said, slouched on one of the booth seats next to the bar. I crossed my legs and put my head in my hands, feeling ashamed. 
How was I back here? I had just turning twenty three years old. Twenty fucking three and I was still acting eighteen. 
"Sydney you have an addiction, you're battling this shit everyday alright. Your dad would never think you were a train wreck because the man did the exact same thing. He had demons and so do you." Will said, sitting next to me. 
"I was so past this. I was happy. So fucking happy a month ago." I huffed, feeling tears prick in my eyes. God I was so sick of crying.
"Syd, this is heartbreak. It's shit and it's going to be shit but don't resort to your old self babe. You're better than this." Will said rubbing my arm softly, as I leant on his shoulder. 
"I really loved him Will, why couldn't I just tell him that. What is wrong with me?" Tears dropped onto his shirt, as my emotions and the alcohol got the better of me. 
"You've been through some serious stuff Syd. Sometimes it isn't easy for people like you to love or at least express it. I know you loved him, I saw it in your eyes. But how can you love someone if you don't love yourself? You're still hurt inside." 
My drunken brain was struggling to keep everything organised but what Will was saying, stuck. I had been questioning if I could give Harry the love he deserved for months, finally I was hearing it out loud. 
"He was my home Will, how can I live without a home?" I cried, tears now streaming down my face now. 
He stayed quiet for a few moments before saying, "Sydney, you can't make homes out of human beings." 
Those few words hit me like a ton of bricks. 
"You have to make home within yourself and when you're ready, open the door to the person  you love. You cannot put that all on someone else and equally, they can't do that to you." He added, as a few more tears dropped onto my shirt as I tilted my head down. 
I stayed silent. 
"If you love him and miss him, go see him. Tell him how you feel Syd but remember, you have to build a relationship within yourself first."
He extended his hand to me, signally it was time to go and he had said his peace. 
"Where am I taking you to Syd?" He said as I wiped my face and stood up. 
"The Ned Hotel. Mum sold my flat." I said emotionless. I felt so drained after this day of drinking and yesterdays drug excursion. 
"Jesus Syd, what a month." He wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we walked out of The Churchill onto the quiet London road. 
"Tell me about it. What a comedown this has been..."
My eyes shot open, quickly searching my surroundings. My whole body was soaked in sweat but I was in now in darkness. 
No Will, no Churchill, no London, no Harry. 
I'd had another dream, repeating the same few moments from before I left for Paris. It was like a routine in my brain playing them over and over again. 
The breakup in New York, the comedown in London and the leaving for Paris. 
The comedown. 
As my eyes adjusted to the light, they flicked to my journal that lay on my desk opposite me. The moonlight from my balcony window shining on top of it. 
I threw my legs over the edge of my bed and padded over to the journal. I picked it up, along with my guitar, and brought it over to my bed. Quickly, I slipped back into my old position and opened the book. 
One of the last songs I had written in my journal was Comedown. 
The next morning, after I saw Will, I wrote the song and booked a flight to New York. I had no guitar or instruments so I never played it. However, I knew it was a beautiful song. 
I crossed my legs, my duvet shifting beneath them, sitting my guitar on top of them. My fingers began strumming the simple melody I had scribbled down on the pages next to the lyrics. 
It was a song for Harry written like a heartbreak letter. Everything I was missing when I was in London, losing all hope for us. 
When I was on my last comedown and the comedown from Harry and I. 
"I wish that I could speak to you like there wasn't nothing wrong...wish I could go back to before I wrote this song and I tell you I loved you. And you would smile and you'd say, 'Me Too'."
I was so angry and still was, at not telling Harry my feelings. I broke his heart and that was something I knew I could never change. 
"But somethings changed , it's not the same and I know it was all my fault. I wasn't there for you when you were falling down and I wish I was...oh I wish I was."
But I'm a little bit broken
And you're a little bit sad
I wish we always had each other
I wish it didn't go so bad
And now the bar I'm in is closing
The one we always used to pass
I let them know how much I loved you
'Cause you were all I've ever had
I miss the way you say my name, I miss the way you walk
I miss the showers we'd take and how long we'd talk through the night
You'd tell me everything was gonna be all right
I was still so sad about everything but the initial few weeks were like nothing else I'd ever felt. I'd now had a few months to sit with the situation and begin to break it down with Timothee and Evangeline. My heart broke for myself alone in London all that time ago. 
Now I'm a little bit broken
And you're a little bit sad
I wish we always had each other
I wish it didn't go so bad
And now the bar I'm in is closing
The one we always used to pass
I let them know how much I loved you
'Cause you were all I've ever had
Now I'm a little bit broken (Broken)
And you're a little bit sad (You're a little bit sad)
I wish we always had each other (I wish we always had each other)
I wish it didn't go so bad (Oh)
And now the bar I'm in is closing (Oh)
The one we always used to pass (We used to pass)
I let them know how much I loved you (Loved you)
'Cause you were all I've ever had (All I've ever had)
My fingers continued to strum softly even after I stopped singing quietly. It made me happy that I had started singing again, I didn't feel like myself when I stopped.
I sat back and absorbed the after feeling of the song and the dream, Will's words ringing in my ears. 
What he said to me that night inspired me to start seeing Evangeline and work on myself. The home within me. Because I now knew that was the most important thing. 










i love this song so much and it is so perfect for syd and her situation