Epilogue: The Honeymoon (08)

                                    

                                          
You're settled in bed, snug in your pajamas and against Jungkook's chest when you decide to check your phone.
You squeal at the photos your brother has sent you of his newborn son. Look at our little alien. He's a pretty one, Seokjin has said. 
Tears start to pool in your eyes, sad that you're not there to be with your family, given that Mina was initially due in a few days, but the little one seemed excited to be out and just couldn't wait. 
You send a barrage of texts to your family, asking them to narrate everything that happened, and they share how your brother cried way more than Mina did, which you expected. They bid you goodnight, knowing it's past midnight, and they say they'll wait for you and your husband back home.
Jungkook pulls you close as you lay by his side, staring at the baby's photos and how lovely he looks. You put your phone away shortly after, mistaking Jungkook's silence with him falling asleep. 
But you glance at him and he's wide awake. He proceeds to brush your hair with his fingers, massaging your head in between. You can feel he's tense, his eyes staring up at the ceiling and you know something's on his mind. 
You don't know when the best time would be to ask so you take your shot and ask him something you've been meaning to know. 
"Kook? Do you... want to have kids?"
Jungkook knows you're bound to ask, as your Mother has been alluding to it ever since your families picked up the development in your relationship. He also knows you're bound to talk about it; it's just a topic that's quite hard for him to discuss.
"Or more like, why don't you?" You ask, as his silence seems more telling. You're nervous to face him, and he's the one who turns you instead.
"I do want them," he says, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. "I'm just scared."
"Honey, you have nothing to be scared of," you reply, cupping his face in your hand. "You're going to be an amazing father, I just know it. And you have the best role models to look up to."
"I'm not scared about that. I'm scared for you."
And there it is, the fear he's been afraid to verbalize.
You hear the heaviness in his voice and feel the heaviness in his heart when his finger traces your scar.
"What if you can't handle the pregnancy? What if... what if they make me choose?" He closes his eyes, unable to fathom such reality, one that doesn't have you in it.
"And our child... What if they..." Get the sickness, too, he doesn't say. "I don't want either of you to be in pain. I can't handle that."
"Kook, honey," you say, trying to find the words to comfort him. You take his hand and kiss it. "You don't have to worry about those things."
"This isn't a 20-minute paraglide or an hour mountain climb. This is 9 months of carrying a child and how many hours of labor. Natural or cesarean, there are risks and I..." Jungkook stammers, willing the tears not to fall. "I won't be able to forgive myself if something happens to you, ___. I don't know what I'm gonna do if I lose you."
They say acknowledging the fear is the first step to overcoming it, but Jungkook feels it's gotten worse, more palpable, vocalizing it this way. But it's always a possibility, one that he hates himself for even thinking about. You've assured him time and time again that you're okay, but he's unable to fully wrap his mind around it. There's always a "what if" - half of that is good, half of it isn't. His mind sticks to thinking about the latter.
"I've always been assured by the doctor that I can handle a pregnancy, okay?" You tell him, as you wipe the tear that's fallen down his cheek. "My Mother gets me checked every year to be sure. And about our child getting it, they may or may not. In any case, there are ways to know right away what to do. There are options; it can be cured. But you don't have to worry about me."