lxxxv 😞

                                    

                                          
CHANGBIN was miserable. His eyes would barely stay open as he was completely exhausted and restless. He had to drag himself across the ground to go anywhere, the boy spent most of his time groaning and crying in his bedroom. 
Because of his new found hobby, he no longer had any energy to fulfil other activities. In group rehearsals at the studio, he was visibly not in the right head space and the others didn't know what to do.
"Changbin? Are you okay?" Jisung knew the answer to his question was obvious but no one was successful in getting a comprehensible response from the boy. The older simply groaned and continued to practice a new dance combination the group learnt earlier that afternoon. 
"It's break time so we should get some lunch, would you like to join me and Chan-hyung?" Jisung practically begged. Changbin stopped his movements and raised a brow. 
"Not. Hungry..." The boy growled. The younger sighed and decided to leave the older alone. It was clear that Changbin didn't want to be around anyone. 
~
"So you're telling me that he's skipping lunch? Seo Changbin is skipping lunch?" Minho said with furrowed eyebrows. "Yup... at least he talked?" Jisung said with a dorky smile. Minho chuckled to himself and placed a soft kiss on his boyfriend's forehead. Jisung's eyes widened and the older laughed at the sudden flustered expression of the younger.
"What was that for?!"
"What do you mean?"
"Why did you kiss my forehead?"
"I did? Oh yeah- I did!"
"You didn't answer my question."
"I did because I felt like it."
"B-but why-"
"You just looked so adorable!"
"Well- you surprised me!"
"So should I not kiss your forehead?"
"N-no I didn't say that!"
"So I should?"
"Yes- yes you can and-"
"God- you two make me feel sick..." 
Jisung and Minho stopped their bickering and the rest of the group looked at the two in disbelief. 
"I missed your sickening flirting. Did you to make up?" Jeongin asked. Seungmin's face turned red and started to cough as he had choked on his apple juice.
"Fuck- I'm [cough] I'm so sorry- I literally misheard you." The boy laughed. 
"You heard make out?" Jisung asked with a raised brow. "Oh no- we did so much further than that, would you like to know in full detail? It all started when I-" Seungmin slapped his hand over Minho's mouth and jokingly gagged. 
"I prefer to keep my lunch in- now my stomach feels all weird." Seungmin complained as he retracted his hand from Minho's mouth to rub his belly. 
"Are you sure those aren't butterflies from sitting next to Hyunjin?~" Jeongin cooed jokingly. The boy mentioned snapped his head to look at the youngest, his mouth still full with rice. 
"That's a ridiculous statement, besides Hyunjin and I are way past our..." Seungmin paused and swallowed, "-you know our..." 
"Our relationship- got it..." Hyunjin spat. The boy threw his chopsticks onto his tray out of frustration, pushed his chair back and away from the table he before standing up. "I'm going to go practice more." Hyunjin stated before slowly making his away from the cafeteria.
"Way to go Jeongin..." Seungmin said as he visibly rolled his eyes. "Hey! It's not my fault you took my innocent joke literally- and you're the one who made it awkward." The younger retorted. 
"Yeah but- but- b-but..." Seungmin was now speechless and couldn't think of any classic witty or sassy comebacks. His mind was completely zoned in onto one thought: find Hyunjin.
"I'm gonna find Hyunjin-" Chan said as he adjusted his posture on his seat. "Wait- no... I will. Jeongin is right- I made it weird and uncomfortable for him and I should apologise. It's a really sensitive topic and we haven't brought it up in a while... I'll see you guys later." Before the eldest could say anything more, Seungmin had already jumped up from his chair and ran out of the canteen.
~
The boy was running on empty. He breathed heavily and slowly melted as he made contact with the floor. Changbin laid on his stomach and turned his head to to rest on the right side of his face. His arms were spread, almost completely extended and his legs were slightly bent as they lifelessly laid on the ground.
"Why do I even bother..." he muttered to himself. He wasn't cut out to be an idol, he could rap and sing mediocrely, but couldn't dance to save his life and he had a passion for songwriting and producing but he was merely sub-parr. He wasn't good enough, even his own friends knew he wasn't good enough. 
"YOU FINALLY GET IT?"
It was the voice again. Since that faithful day, Changbin always heard his conscience. The voice was knives to his heart and mind and it clearly took a toll on his mental state. The voice overtook everything, his whole life. He was being controlled.
"YOU FINALLY SEE WHAT I SEE?"
"Yes..."
"THEY MUST FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU- THEY TRY SO HARD TO HELP YOU BECAUSE THEY KNOW YOU ARE NOT CUT OUT FOR THIS..." 
"I know- I can't do this..."
"YES... YES EXACTLY! YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE TALENT, YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME HERE BECAUSE YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO DEBUT!"
"Y-yeah... I'm- I'm not going to debut..."
"BECAUSE WHY?"
"I'm not good enough. I'm talentless, a waste of space, a charity case."
Changbin had said these things to himself so frequently that he know believed every word. He couldn't feel, he didn't want to feel. He promised himself not to feel because feelings, passion is how you get hurt. 
Happiness only brings sadness.
Bravery only brings fear.
Love only breaks your heart.
~
"HYUNJIN! HYUNJIN! Ah fuck... where is that dumb ass..." Seungmin continued to wander the halls, passing a few other trainees he knew but none were Hyunjin and they too hadn't seen the missing boy either.
"What was I thinking?! Why am I even trying- he definitely hates me now if he didn't before... bu-but that's fine... it's his fault we're broken up. He lied to me and kissed Changbin..." Seungmin crossed his arms and huffed in annoyance. "He wants to be alone so I should respect his wishes, besides I have nothing to say to him." The boy reiterated to himself. 
Brown guilty eyes and little white lies
Yeah, I played dumb but I always knew
That you'd talk to him, maybe did even worse
I kept quiet so I could keep you
And ain't it funny
How you ran to him
The second that we called it quits?
And ain't it funny
How you said you were friends?
Now it sure as hell don't look like it
You betrayed me
And I know that you'll never feel sorry
For the way I hurt, yeah
You talked to-
Seungmin stopped singing once he felt a glare practically burn through his back. His eyes widened unconsciously and he turned around only to see the boy who broke his heart.
"Seungmin..." 
"Hyunjin..."