twenty one.

                                    

                                          

i would like to deeply apologize in advance for this chapter .



needless to say, jay was very depressed.

so depressed, even, that he had no energy to punish sunghoon for not charging  his phone prior to going out.

usually, jay dealt with overwhelming emotions by taking out  it out at the gym or something, but losing jungwon was a whole new kind of set of feelings that he was not at all prepared for. this wasn't anger or rage, it was a huge wave of sadness and guilt. sunghoon, sunoo, and ni-ki couldn't help but feel extremely bad while hanging around his locked bedroom, where jay was inside crying silently and listening to music. he had even brought out his old guitar to try and make himself feel better, but all he could think about was jungwon. jungwon jungwon jungwon. 

his life just felt empty now. like there was no purpose left. he couldn't find a reason to come outside except if it was to eat. he had no energy to blame anyone but himswelf for choosing this lifestyle of his, since it was the reason he lost jungwon in the first place. he had done this all for money, just to lose the only person that ever made him feel the things he never thought he would be able to experience as..you know, a mafia boss.

jay had unfortunately already gone through an entire box of tissues from the time jungwon had left up till that very moment. once jungwon was out the door, he had fallen to his knees, cried, and before sunghoon could try and comfort him and apologize, he was shoved out of the way while jay ran to his room. he hadn't come out since.

nothing but regret filled the room. and call him cheesy, but he couldn't help but stare at jungwon's photos in complete pain. 

part of him was still angry, yes, but angry at himself. from time to time he'd strangle his pillow while yelling out profanities in tears, asking himself why he had to make such stupid decisions in his life. he'd punch the wall or even try to slap himself.

sunghoon had never seen him like this before- jay wasn't even this sad when his close relatives passed away. part of him knew that this would have ended up happening anyway, but now that it was, he couldn't help but have his heart wrench in his chest while listening to his best friend cry and yell his heart out for the boy who changed his life completely.

every hour sunghoon would come near the door, knock, and ask jay if he wants to talk about it and come outside , but would be given a very loud "fuck off" from jay. fair enough response.

but eventually, sunghoon just got tired of hearing jay mope. he knocked a bit louder on the door tihs time, and yelled, "come on  jay, please come out of there. i know you're sad about jungwon but he's gone now.  you have to move on some time."

sunghoon expected a loud thump against the door (probably from jay throwing something heavy at the door like he did the previous hour), but thank heavens, this time he finally he got a reply from jay. "i don't want to move on, i want him. i feel so confused, sunghoon. i hate feeling like this."

crap. emotional jay. sunghoon has never dealt with this before. but...he did feel bad knowing jay had to watch him be happy with sunoo. the least he could do is try to talk to him. "i know, seong. i'm sorry it had to be this way. i'm sorry i didn't check my phone."