Chapter Thirty Four- The Road Back

                                    

                                          
Almost a month after learning the truth, I took a flight to Connecticut, a flight to Leah, and with a lump in my throat and an ache still in my heart I would force myself to stand in front of her, and ask of her, one thing. Was any of it ever real?! 
Leah had respected my silence this past month and stayed away. I was glad of that, it gave me time to digest the unthinkable, what Annie had done, and the way she had violated me. My goodness, the way she hurt me, the trauma it brought up, and then Leah, and the way she let me go overnight. How did she bear that?! To break a heart knowingly of someone you were meant to love, and I know why she did it, but how?! How could she bear it. I couldn't compute that and I wanted the answers, because it all led me down a path of doubt, that any of what we had was ever real. I think after so much rejection, interference, and love that hurt, it was a natural defence, to hide your heart away like a prized possession you didn't want stolen or ripped away from you. 
It was hard to get through something as traumatic as what had happened with Annie and Leah, when I had children to raise and be strong for. I had to hide my pain twenty two hours of a day, with my children, and my work. Then finally as days ended, and I got into bed, I fell apart, spectacularly so, lots of sobs, heart racing and anxiety inducing thoughts and feelings. They had two to three hours a day to show up and drown me before sleep took over and the whole cycle began again. Annie had left the day the truth all came out, she headed back to New York and messaged the kids to say she would see them in the spring break as planned before she had come to Arizona. I hadn't heard anything from her but her mother told me she was in therapy, and that she was sorry if Annie had hurt me. I was guessing Annie had relayed a small part of what had happened between us, to them, when she returned. Teddy and Harper had invited me to come and stay with them over Spring break so that I wasn't alone, and I think that was probably a good idea since Mia could take Blake back to Sweden with her now, and I didn't want to be a third wheel. I really did like the idea of spending time with Teddy and her girls. I would love to get to know them better, and Teddy as a mommy. I could sit back and enjoy watching that. 
***
The flight gets in early afternoon. I take a cab to the hotel nearest the arena that Leah played at. I was nervous. So nervous to see her. I hadn't set eyes on her in over four months, not even watching her first games on the TV when she started back on court this month. I felt like it would feel like watching an apparition of a person you once loved, a shadow, an outline, all substance missing because what and who were they now?! How could I ever trust myself to make decisions in regards to my heart, ever again?!  Who even was Leah Mitchell?! Did I ever truly know her... because I had no faith, and my confidence in her was zero... as if I never even knew her at all. Leah would have to show me, and make me believe it. She would have to make me see her again, not as someone who broke me but who made me whole. It would never be as simple as an apology. The road back to what we had, I didn't even know if it could be found anymore, perhaps it was no longer accessible, once well trodden but now covered in thorny vines that tore your flesh with one wrong step. No, I didn't know what it looked like now, our road back, but I was going to be brave and start walking, toward Leah, and if a path should open up ahead, I would have to really think about it first. Once bitten, twice shy, and yet I had been bitten repeatedly. So what did that make me now?!  A cowering, anxious wreck. 
***
I take too long standing at the mirror, feeling a little insecure. I look myself over and run my hand through my fair hair, shaking it out through my fingers, and assessing my outfit. Was it too casual or too something else? No I was just being ridiculous. You couldn't go wrong with a well fitted pair of jeans and a cute sweater. I threw my tan jacket over the top and bent down to lace up my brilliant white converse. 
"Just breathe" I remind myself, standing back up. 
***
"Leah" my momma says coming into the locker room.