Talk To Me

                                    

                                          
STEF POV 
"So are you gonna be straight with me or no?" I hear Lena ask me as I'm sitting in her tiny backyard in one of her lawn chairs. The air is muggy and hot as the kids and I decided to stay over. They had already passed out in Lena's second bedroom as I light a smoke and smile at her.
"You don't give up huh?" I ask as she shakes her head and lights her own smoke looking right at me with her pretty brown eyes.
"You should know the answer and I've given you long enough. So spill babylove. Your babies are sleeping and it's just you and me." She says pressing me as I puff my smoke and look up at the warm Nevada sky as I look back at her as she is patiently waiting. "And I didn't see Sharons car so she's not lurking around either so I'll wait honey."
She puffs her smoke now as I bit my bottom lip and play with one of my fingers. I don't know why it was so hard for me to talk to Lena, I really didn't as she moves her chair even closer.
"Well it's a few things."
"Ok we'll start with one. Whatever is easiest." She soothes grabbing my hand as I hold it back gently as I now feel her rub my fingers rather affectionately. My minds scrabbles some to figure out what in the fuck to spill first as I take another drag of my smoke and look out onto the dry ass land. Land I had promised to never step foot on ever again. But here I fucking was as I calmly breathe the smoke out of the side of my mouth.
"You know when we broke up I kinda lost it for a bit. I was fucking around." Lena says as I look at her rather surprised. "I was, I was drinking and going to bars like crazy, which isn't even my thing. But I was. And I don't even like men and I was fucking them like a damm rabbit Stef. I didn't have it all together baby, and," she gently places her hand on top of mine, "Most of the time I still fucking don't. I got with a woman eventually and I missed that up too."
"How?"
"I screwed around on her. ALOT. I don't do that anymore. So Spill this ain't about me it's you about." She says sternly as I now laugh and look right back at her.
"I was with a man too. Um, Callie and Judes father. I met him in St. Louis a few years after we split."
"Ok, keep going."
"He was in love with me and still is and wanted to and wants to make a life with me. Thing is I don't love him like that, I don't and you know I'm not really into men. And he's such a good guy, you know kind, patient, he loves my kids. But, Callie and Jude are his and he has no idea. Callie loves him, she cried the day I took her away from him. She asks to call him all the time and she wants him to come to her game. And I called him and he said he would.  I guess I didn't tell him because I didn't want Cal or Jude to be disappointed if he turned out to be a deadbeat. And now, it's like Callie is almost 8. Jude is 2 and I feel like such an asshole Lena. He's not a violent man but I can't imagine anyone would be calm finding that out, and he's a cop too, and was forever saving my ass." I say realizing my mouth is moving 100 miles a minute as I am finally getting all this shit that has been in my heart and mind off my chest for the first time. 
"I also have a court date really soon back in New Mexico because some asshole reported me and accused me of neglecting my kids. Which I didn't do, I don't neglect my kids Lena, it was because I left them home alone when I had to work at night. So they have been on my ass, my caseworker is on my ass and said if I don't show I could loose them. So I just had to get the fuck out of there and I don't know what I plan on doing. I don't. I tired so hard not be like my mother. But, here I fucking am turning into good old Sharon Foster."
"You aren't. You are nothing like her Stef." Lena says gently grabbing my hand again as I glance back at her and smile.
"Lena, what kind of person doesn't let the father of kids know he's the father. How am I any better."
"One trying to protect her kids incase he's not a good father. But you said you are pretty sure he would be."
"I know he would be. Callie suspects it anyway that he's her father and he flat out asked me a few times and I looked right at him and lied. He actually is a good guy and if he wanted he could take his kids back. Which I'm terrified he might do. I told you Lena my life is a shit show and rather embarrassing." I laugh as I take a puff of my smoke and she moves her chair even closer to me.
"You're life is NOT embarrassing. It's just called things happen baby. And, from what I've seen your children LOVE YOU. Goodness Stef, they adore the hell out of you. When you were late, they were so scared, they were so worried, and it's because they love you so much. You give them the world, and you are their world, and always have been and always will be.  Listen, you and I are no strangers to poverty, to dealing with the bullshit of these stupid agencies that get us wrong. That have gotten you wrong."
"Lena, I can't loose my kids. I can't. If I go back there I could loose them. And I mean at least Callie and Jude would go to Mike but Frankie, I don't even know."
"Sweetheart," She holds my hand even tighter as I feel the tears stream down my face and she gently wipes them. "If you don't go to court they can arrest you and you for sure will loose them. Listen, I can go with you and vouch for you. Whatever in the hell you need."
"I'm scared as shit about that, and I'm scared as shit for when Mike comes."
"Do want me to be there when you tell him?" She offers rubbing my hand as I let out a heavy sigh and run my fingers through my long blonde hair. Wiping my tears I puff my smoke again and softly smile at her. "I can be there or close by, and like said I will go to court with you and vouch for you. I will do whatever the hell you need Stef, because I really do love you so much still, I still see you as my best friend, and I love all your babies. Each and every one of them.  But you aren't alone, I got you."
Looking into Lena's eyes she really was the most sincere person I had ever know. God was she ever as her face grows more intense and I can't help but smile at her.
"How in the hell I let you get away I'll never know." I admit as she leans in closer to me and I feel her softly kiss my lips as she pulls away and gently cups my cheek.
"I don't know, but it wouldn't be very hard to get me back." She winks as the smile on my face grows even wider for I had been a fool all those years ago, a big one for Lena had always been my heart, a keeper and someone I should have been with as I feel tears form in my eyes all over again.
"I'm sorry."
"For what baby?"
"For smacking you. I'm so sorry Lena, I'm...
"Stop. Stop it. It's ok. It was a mistake. It was a hard time for both of us, and I forgave you baby. God did I ever. Please know that. Ok? Please I have let it go sweetheart so you let it go too. I don't hate you, I'm not angry, infact I love you still. Always have."
"Yeah, I still love you too babe. I do." I admit as I put my smoke out and glance back into her warm brown eyes once again and I can't help but grab her hand and bring it to my mouth softly kissing it.
"So in that case lets try to prevent anyone from taking your kids, lets tell Mike about his kids and lets um....somewhere in there we can figure us out. In the meantime how about we relax on the couch. No more heavy shit tonight." She laughs as I do as well feeling her grab my hand again as we both stand and start to make our way inside when I gently tug her hand and stop her as she looks at me rather confused.  But, I can't help it, or myself as I lean in and kiss her lips and feel her press hers on mine harder as if she never wants to pull away. And honestly I don't either.