Catharsis

                                    

                                          
It was actually incredibly freeing, to finally unburden my thoughts and feelings to Salazar. Something I'd been resisting for far too long.
Every emotion, every worry, every private memory
Bottled up, kept buried so deeply within
Perhaps I felt that by running from the truth, I could disavow it
But it's time to admit that doing this is destroying me from the inside out
It's time to show you all of me
And in the process, allow myself to accept all of me
And as I lay there on the bed, Salazar rose up and towards me, the two of us nervously giggling as he straddled me and leaned over. His hands just shy of my face, he hesitated.
"Something wrong?"
"No, Laztana. Just requesting verbal confirmation of your permission to touch. I can read your thoughts without touch, but touch ..."
Recollection of a conversation I'd shared with Ra now flashing through my mind:
Never underestimate the power of physical touch for mind reading
"You can touch me, Sal."
... Definitely an automatic yes
Don't even need to think about that
But as he brought his hands back up, I held mine out, "Just one thing, Sal, before you begin ..."
"Yes, Maitia?"
"If we do this ... you're going to happen across things that are terribly disturbing, terribly violent. To say nothing of some extraordinarily intimate things. Are you alright with that?"
"I'm willing to see whatever it is you carry, My Lady. Whatever you'll grant me. Whatever helps you."
As we silently regarded one another, I suddenly became painfully aware of my still wet, tear stained cheeks.
"Thank you, Sal."
"Thank you, Lorea."
His hands meeting the sides of my face, the two of us exhaled slowly and lost ourselves in each other's eyes.
And then, just like that, he was in.
I knew because my mind was suddenly flush with the most beautiful, warm, peaceful presence.
And as we gazed at one another, we smiled almost simultaneously.
"Welcome."
"Thank you for having me."
A sudden burst of intense joy from him.
"What?"
"Your mind. It's the most beautiful place."
A surge of delight and butterflies from me, which I knew he felt, the two of us now positively beaming at one another.
"Tell me, then. Where should I begin?"
"With ... this ..."
And just like that, I showed him the Bond. Showed him the conditions of the Bond, along with my most intense moments with Tom. Everything from the torture to the wild intimacy.
And though it pained me to do this - though I didn't want to show him anything that might hurt or upset him - I decided for complete and total honesty.
I need him to know what I've been through.
Not just to unburden, for catharsis, but so we can take Tom on two-to-one, with every possible advantage. Any avenue to exploit, we need to use.
I showed him Ra, tears streaming down my face as I accessed my very first memory of Ra, how I'd happened across him in the hallway that one night. Then, how I'd come to realise who Ra really was in the library. I showed him the private moments, simple things like the way we'd look at each other covertly across the room, or hold hands in the library. I showed him the heaven Ra brought to me when I was trapped in hell.
"It was a time of desperation, and of so much fear. But the connection Ra and I had -"
Salazar took it like an angel. And though I caught waves of unmistakable sadness escaping him, that was drowned out by a vastly overpowering sense of peace for knowing I'd found something so wonderful despite such horrible circumstances.
"Rashaad, a completely beautiful man."
"Yes."
"And the intense attachment the two of you formed for one another ..."
Suddenly guilty at having shown him that so vividly, I shook my head apologetically -
"I'm not trying to make you feel ... don't want you to feel ... not my intention to cause you ..."
Hurt
I don't want you hurt
Staring back at me, I felt Salzar's thumbs lightly stroke my cheekbones,
"No, Maitia. It's not like that. Anyone or anything who brings you the happiness and peace you deserve ..."
"But you -"
"Above all else, I just want you to flourish, whatever form that takes."
At this, I pulled him closer to me, our foreheads touching now.
"It's time ... time for you to see ..."
The sudden change in me was contagious, and his entire countenance instantly darkened in anticipation, "What did he do to him?"
It was terribly hard to take him to that part of my mind, to replay the horrors of that day. And after I did, the two of us were both wildly weeping against one another.
"I will kill him for this, Lorea."
"No."
"No?!"
"No ... I will."
A sad smile as his fingers wiped away my still falling tears, "Forgive me. Of course. That honour belongs completely to you. You will kill him."
After that, we took a few moments to collect ourselves as he lingered in my mind, my thoughts. Then, very tentatively, Salazar broke the silence and made a request that caught me completely off guard:
"My Lady ..."
"Yes?"
"With your permission, I'd like to now dive very, very deep into your mind."
"Oh?"
"Yes. An extremely personal request on my part, but one of vital importance. Do I have your consent to attempt this?"
"And what are you looking for?"
"... Things that are buried. Things that have been long forgotten. Things that may seem no more than dreams, or fantasy."
"I -"
"Fine if not."
"... Go on."
Exhaling deeply against me, his breath on my lips, he smiled and nodded. And then, just as Tom had done that day together in his study, Salazar dove deep into my mind. And just like before, when I tried to follow after, I could not. He was gone too quickly, and ventured far deeper than I could pursue. And as I stared back at him now, I saw in his eyes so many emotions: pain, regret, fear. And I felt him frantically digging, searching, reviewing, though I knew not what for.
And when he finally came back to me, Salazar looked extremely troubled.
"... What you just did - just now - he did that once, too."
He
Tom
At this, Salazar looked completely furious. And not just furious - but undeniably rattled, "... Did he, now?"