Hecate

                                    

                                          
** TW: The following chapter contains descriptions of: suicidality; suicidal ideation. DO NOT READ if you are not prepared to encounter such content. **
The encounter with Tom shook me. I simply didn't know what to make of it.
Violent Tom I felt I'd gained a proper handle on. Predacious Tom I was equally well accustomed to.
But the man who'd appeared in my bedroom this afternoon? 
The man who'd knocked tentatively on my bedroom door rather than waltz or barge in -
The man who'd whispered to me quite frankly about his need for me, for us -
His stated dependency on me, on our mess of a relationship ...
... And make no mistake, when I say relationship, I'm speaking in the broadest sense of the word - a protracted series of interactions between two humans - 
That man, and everything he'd just done, left me completely rattled.
And as I stared at my gaunt reflection in the bathroom mirror, I carefully replayed everything that'd just happened:
Every word he'd said
Every gesture
Every touch
And coupled with that, the resounding question in my mind, the most important question of all: 
Is he being genuine? Or is this just another iteration of his sick game?
As I pushed my palms off the bathroom countertop and slowly shuffled towards the bathtub, I could feel the lines on my face drawing themselves into a concerned frown.
I think, perhaps most distressing off all possibilities, both are simultaneously true
I think he's at once sincere and also secretly calculating
Leaning over, I braced my forearm on the edge of the bathtub for support in my weakened physical state. As I turned the tap, I shut my eyes and contemplated the sudden thunder of water drumming against the bottom of the bath.
Because I do believe he misses me, in his own perverted way
And I saw the signs of stress, clear as day in his face, his body
Of course, it goes without saying that the feelings he holds for me - 
Whatever the hell those feelings are - 
Are quite strong, strong enough they've impeded his ability to think logically on more than one occasion now
My eyes fluttering back open, I brought my palm beneath the tap to test the warmth of the water.
... Tom's so very fascinating 
So completely different from any other person I've ever met
My father, of course, was a monster like Tom
Abusive, cruel, violent
... But my father didn't even approach Tom's level of aberrant from the normal range of human experience and emotion
And my father most definitely couldn't hold a candle to Tom in terms of intelligence and strategy
... Tom's the most brilliant person I've ever met
As for his declaration of love ... 
We both know that's a complete and total farce
And I'm convinced he only said that as a sadist trying to further rub salt in my wounds over Ra ...