When giving up is the only option
10 July 2022
It's around 3 am, everybody sleeping, some are praying asking God for protection. Some are drinking in Tarvens having the best days of their lives. I'm here in my bed with my phone in hand, I have my books with me trying to prepare for exams. But I can't seem to understand anything.
I can feel my tears about to come back, I'm trying so hard to hold them, I keep on doing breathing exercises. I keep on playing my favorite song "ngipholise amanxeba" it hurts so bad and I can't seem to ignore it. Been a long time since I've found myself in this kind of a situation, I keep on looking at my mom's photo, with a message in my heart "I don't wanna disappoint you, but I can feel it ngizo fail", with those thoughts my tears have finally find a way out.
I keep on switching off my phone and switching it on, I feel like I'm a real failure. At the same time i feel like deregistering is the only option I have. I keep on having thi prayer "kulungile makuyintando yakho baba". I'm at my lowest, I'm at my breaking point. I feel so defeated, I can see myself drowning, I'm trying so hard to come out, I can see a better side of me trying to reach out that poor, broken soul. I can feel myself struggling to breath, I keep on closing my eyes and trying so hard to hide it from roommate, but I can feel myself giving up.
Giving up is the only option right now, I feel like I've waisted my time. It's hard and it's killing me, it's actually depressing. I can feel my eyes ready to shut down, but I'm trying so hard to stay awake, but it's hard. I kept on checking my messages, but its empty. Maybe I should call it a night and accept that I've failed this module.
Is it the fear of the unkown or the real me knows I'm not capable of doing it. It all hurts. My eyes hurts, seems like I've asked the wrong people at the wrong time. I tried but failed, I've failed my daughters. I'm really not myself I don't recognize this person.
They said Varsity life is the best or is it because they don't want to face the truth? Only independent is the best but varsity life is exhausting, find yourself fighting depression and anxiety 🥺. When all you want is to give up, seing no other option but this one only. What does one do when prayer doesn't change the situation? Do you hope for the best or just give it all up? Do you ask for help or just let it go? What do you do when there's no help?...
When you have no faith, hope but giving up is the only option, who do you run to? Who do you turn to?
