17. We're not lost

                                    

                                          
"I shut my eyes in order to see."
― Paul Gauguin
***
M 1965
"I think I'm dying." I exhaled heavily and dropped my head down on the dark chestnut table with a low thud.
"Don't be so dramatic, Addie." Lydia whispered. 
I lifted my head and looked around the library, hoping to see a fire or anything that would justify leaving. The sun was filtering through the tall windows, illuminating the countless rows of floor to ceiling wooden shelves filled with books. The dark green rug absorbed the sound of the footsteps of the many visitors and I watched with envy some of them as they were heading outside. 
It was a beautiful day, the first of the spring, and we were stuck inside, trying to write another damn essay about greek architecture. I swore that if anyone dared ask me the differences between doric, ionic and corinthian styles one more time after this, I would break into hives.
The last month had been the hardest one so far, it was like the teachers were finally realizing we were nearing the end of the semester and they all dumped more work than it was possible to chew. I must admit, despite everything, my tendency to perfection had seen me unable to properly finish a few things because I'd spent too much time on others. I just hoped it would all even out in the end. 
There was also the matter of a certain musician that I didn't seem to be able to stop thinking about. More than once, I'd almost ran into bushes or other people when walking in the park, and it was all getting very ridiculous. 
To make matters worse, I'd heard from Lydia that they'd got back from Austria two days ago and I was still waiting to see if Paul would show up or not. I tried not to be too hopeful about it, because I didn't expect him to wait around for me, and neither had I, the only time we'd gone out. But I found out during the last month that my life seemed a bit more grey without him to brighten up my days.
No matter what I did, I couldn't stop thinking about those big doe eyes and contagious smile and the way he made me feel right at home when we were having pointless or mind-bending conversations. Everything felt easy with him. As long as I didn't let my brain start overthinking, that is.
I must have been staring blankly in front of me for a while because eventually I noticed that Lydia had started packing her stuff, looking at me with discouragement. 
"Let's go before you wake the dead with all your sighing." She said.
"Sorry..." I mumbled and started putting my books and papers in my leather bag. 
"What's gotten into you Addie?" Lydia asked as soon as we walked out the big heavy wooden doors. "I never have to kick your butt into doing school work. It's usually the other way around."
I shrugged and slid my sunglasses on the bridge of my nose. "It's too hard to concentrate when it's so sunny outside. I was getting tired of the London winter."
"Yeah, sure." She rolled her eyes and I was thankful that she didn't mention everything she must be thinking. "Neil's taking me out tonight, if that's okay."
"Why would that not be okay?" I smiled and glanced at her. 
She cocked an eyebrow. "I'm just saying."
We spent the rest of the walk home in silence as I was completely lost in my thoughts. Why would I even worry so much about someone that should only be a convenient affair?