Chapter 40: Barren Heart

                                    

                                          
The vision of stars at hyperspace were hypnotic, allowing me to be lost in thought. I sat on the floor in front of the massive window cross-legged, and dressed in new clothes delivered by a droid. Similar to the outfit I wore, it lacked sleeves, which allowed all to see the permanent mark I bore. My old clothes had been washed and thrown carelessly on the floor when they were given back to me. Taking care, I'd folded them, placing them on my bed, but put on the leather armor over the Imperial clothes.
My scar now ached, pulsation of my blood underneath making it unbearable but I knew the pain wouldn't last. Pain went away. It always did.
Something through the force abruptly pulled me out of the trance I'd been in, and I turned expecting that someone to be right behind me, but there was no one. The connection was familiar, taking a moment to settle itself around me.
"Cal..." I whispered.
 Y/n... Cal was so worried. I could detect his fear, confusion.
I closed my eyes, allowing myself to let the force carry assurance, safety, and confirmation that I was safe. "I'm okay Cal. I'll be back soon, I promise."
When I felt his feelings subside, I snapped closed the connection between us in fear of my true sentiments coming across the connection. Cal could be looking for me. But there was no way to find out where I was. I'd disabled any communications after landing in the hangar before de-boarding to prevent anyone from coming after me. Opening my eyes, I sighed and rubbed my face with a hand. He was not someone to worry about during the current predicament I was in as far as I was concerned; Being far away and out of danger was good for him.
The Star Destroyed stopped traveling out of hyperspace, making me stand and stare at our destination. Mustafar. The red planet, surface made of nothing but rock and molten lava. Walking over to the bed, I grabbed all three lightsabers and attached them to my belt under my robe, stuffing my old clothes in a satchel I'd brought along with me. 
"Hey you, Lord Vader wants to see you in the Command Bridge immediately." A voice ordered from outside my room. I went over to the door and pushed the button, the door drawing back to reveal a trooper at the threshold. "This way-"
"I know the way." I indicated behind my half-mask as I turned out of the room and to the right towards the elevator that would lead to the bridge. The trooper followed behind, keeping pace with my steps.  We took the elevator all the way, and I stepped onto the bridge alone. It was just how I remembered, people on the lower level of the bridge talking amongst one another and keeping the ship functional. Vader stood facing away from me, looking out at the planet as we lowered the ship towards boiling atmosphere. My footsteps quiet, I approached him and stopped at his side to survey the view with him in silence. 
"This is the planet which I operate from, and is where you will leave and return from whatever mission I have for you." He stated.
This I already knew, but didn't speak a word. 
We took Vader's transportation ship and mine down to the hangar residing on the lowest level of Vader's fortress. I'd convinced him to do so, so that I could carry out any deed that was deemed to use as an undercover necessity. As Vader and I exited his transport, N6, who had been aboard another transportation ship came hovering out and over in what looked like a hurried manor. 
"Captain! Captain, it's Sen."
Without even a sense of who I just ran away from, I followed Sen back to the transport and inside to the far corner that held my injured Master in handcuffs. I released her from them and cupped her face in my hands, lifting up her head to force eye contact. 
"Master! Master wake up." I demanded. The Selonian Jedi opened her dark eyes, which were shining with exhaustion and pain. "Come on, you have to get up."
As I began to force her to get to her feet, she protested and pushed my hands off of her. "No."
I paused, kneeling down in between her long legs to get to her eye level. "Yes, Master. You need to get up." The desperation that I'd been wanting to keep deep within me began to surface. 
"No...I can't. There is no longer any strength left within me."
My heart seemed to reopen, that old scar freshly pouring out what had been repaired was now damaged again. No...
"Don't say that, I can heal you if you let me. I don't want you to die, Sen!" I said it, voice almost rising to a shout. I ripped off my mask and threw it to the side, it hit the opposite wall and clattered to the floor. I clasped her face in my hands again, my hold gentle. "You are like a mother to me, as Kohan was a father. I cannot lose both." 
As my voice had lowered to a murmur, hers conveyed sincerity along with disappointment. 
"Have you learned nothing? I will never be lost to you, as death is another part of life. I will be there through the force whenever you need me."
"I want you here, like you are now," I argued "there is no wish that I wanted where you are a ghost to me, Sen. I need you." Fresh, warm tears felt scalding on my cheeks as they fell. 
"My young Padawan, you have matured into a great and powerful Jedi. I have taught you everything that I can, so do whatever you have to in order to live, and do not corrupt your heart again."
My hands had to hold up her head now. "Sen...Sen? No, come on. Sen!" Her head drooped, and lolled to one side as I watched the sparkle in her eyes fade away. I pulled her body forward and clutched it against my body, stroking the back of her head with a hand as I rocked from side to side. I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry...
"I'm so sorry..." I managed between quiet sobs.
I could feel a hand on my shoulder, it was N6.
"Captain...someone is coming."
I gently let go of Sen's body, and it took all of my willpower to do so before standing and quickly wiping my face and composing myself. I grabbed my mask and placed it back over my face, as well as flipping my hood up.
Using the force, I carefully lifted her body off the ground as I walked out of the back of the transport, and saw Vader standing a near few feet from me. 
In a cool voice, I managed to ask him a question. "With your permission sir, may I take care of her and then repair my ship for use in whatever task you ask of me?"
"Be quick about it, my patience is already waning."
"Yes of course, sir."
I used a side entrance and walked out into the glowing heat, walking a ways out from the eyes of my new master and found a place on a sloping lava riverbank. Setting her down, I withdrew my lightsaber, and sliced a thin peace of her colorful shawl. Taking her lightsaber, I wrapped it around the handle and placed it back on my hip. When I bent down to look at her, I noticed the necklace I'd made still around her neck. Fixing it, placing a kiss on her forehead I stood, and raised a shaking hand lifting her up and hovered her over the river of lava. 
I turned away as I lowered my hand, lowering her as I did, and was grateful that the loud sound of the lava drowned everything else out. When I turned back, her body was nowhere in sight. I would have given anything to return her body back to her people, to where she belonged. 
"Come on, Captain..."
N6, who had been completely silent placed yet another comforting, now guiding hand on my shoulder as she turned me back toward the fortress. We re-entered the hangar, where Vader was no longer in sight. Troopers moved about the place in what seemed like slow motion as N6 guided me back toward the Tyrant. I stood next to the boarding ramp while she hurried inside to grab the toolbox, numbly grabbing what I needed and walked over to a leg on the landing gear and started to fix it. 
It didn't last, eventually I could no longer see the work I was doing with the stubborn interruption of tears that I couldn't seem to stop from flowing. Anguish, abandonment, loss; All of these were multiplied two fold. This was the feeling I had back with Kohan died, and I had not allowed myself, no, could not allow myself to express these emotions until now. My barren heart couldn't take it anymore. With no one but stormtroopers milling about, I allowed myself to cry as I leaned against the leg of my ship.