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31
As Celeste leaned in to initiate another kiss, her necklace tumbled out of her shirt, dangling before River's face. It didn't feel right. To River, it felt like Celeste was attempting something that River expected of her, not what Celeste wanted to do. As though the bright lights, the atmosphere of Amsterdam and their enforced proximity had caused Celeste to 'try something new'. River couldn't simply fall into the situation because it was what she desperately wanted.
"I can't." Those two words felt like a betrayal of her own feelings. She reached up for the necklace, resting the ring in her palm. "Not when you clearly have feelings for someone else. For a man. I don't want you doing this because you think I expect it and then regret it after."
"No. No!" Celeste lifted the ring from River's palm, about to put it back beneath her shirt. "This isn't what you think it is."
"What? That you were, or still are, married?" Turning, River didn't want Celeste to look at her. "That you still love the man who used to wear that ring? I think it's obvious. It's alright that you're straight. Plenty of people fancy people they can't have. I can still just be friends. It's what I do. I accept situations and worry about them in my head. I'll never bother you about how I feel. I ..."
"You're right about one thing. I do still love the man who wore this." A sad smile crossed Celeste's features. She ran a finger over the gold of the ring and gave a little shake of the head before tucking the ring away. "He was a distant man. Driven and he had little time for me, but, yes, I loved him with all my heart. He was my father."
That was not what River expected. She turned and saw that Celeste had a tear forming in the corner of her eye, but it wasn't a tear of sadness. It was a tear of loss. As though a dam had broken, Celeste began to talk and it felt as though she had held it all deep inside for such a long time that River felt certain Celeste hadn't spoken about it to anybody.
She told River about how her mother had died while giving birth to Celeste. How her father, a gruff, emotionally stunted man, that preferred spending time at work rather than with Celeste, had brought her up alone, giving her the bare minimum of affection and contact. Not because he was a bad person, or abusive, but because that was simply the way he was and Celeste had learned everything she could from him, becoming a copy, right down to her pent up emotions.
When she began school, she outperformed everyone else, in the hope of receiving even the tiniest recognition and praise from her father. She became as driven as him, turning away from friendships, relationships, anything and everything in the pursuit of becoming the best at something, anything that could make her father proud. And he was. He didn't show it, but he told her and that was enough for Celeste.
"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." Even though Celeste wasn't one for hugs, River gathered her in her arms anyway. "What a lonely way to live, to grow up. I can't imagine it, not even if I tried. My parents were, are, different. They practically smothered me and ... and you don't need to hear about my parents. Sorry."
"It's okay." Even throughout the flood of words, the painful memories, Celeste still didn't cry. That first tear the only one to escape. "He died, last year, but he apologised. For all of it. He wished he could have been a better father and that I could be different. He didn't want me to be like him. He wanted me to be better."
"Well, better late than never, I suppose." River halted her hug, sitting back to look into Celeste's eyes. She didn't look that upset, but Celeste still held her emotions under tight control. "So, you weren't, aren't married, then?"
Celeste laughed, a hiccuping, stilted laugh that petered out. She shook her head, not needing to speak her answer. It felt strange, for River, to see Celeste like this. So open and vulnerable. She was used to seeing a woman so confident, so powerful and sure of herself in all situations that to see her in such a more human, vulnerable light jarred with River's impressions of Celeste. It didn't make her feel any less attracted to her, it simply added a new layer to her.
"No. Never married. I've had relationships, of course, but nothing that ever lasted and, I think, that's what my father had tried to tell me on his deathbed." Celeste stood, turning to look out of the only window in the room, a wistful look that spoke of memories and regrets. "I thought he meant at work. At first, I tried even harder until I realised that that wasn't being better than him, it was being him. So, I took the excuse of a handsy boss and quit. But that didn't feel like what he meant, either."
River wasn't entirely certain where this all headed towards. Unsure whether to stand and show Celeste some solidarity, or to stay sat where she was to give Celeste her space, she ended up shuffling forwards on the bed, almost slipping off and falling to the floor. She didn't. She stopped herself in time, but it would have fallen right in her normal range of disastrous actions if she had.
Still, Celeste didn't notice. She had fallen into a silence of thought and musing and River wondered if her friend were about to end the conversation right there. That would stir up River's curiosity, but she would have to force herself to wait for Celeste to finish what she had started. She couldn't push her, just to find answers about Celeste's sexuality.
"He meant in your relationships?" River cringed. So much for not pushing Celeste. She truly wished she could review the things about to come out of her mouth before she said them. "Not that it's anything to do with me. I completely and totally respect your privacy. Apart from when I didn't, earlier. That was an aberration. A blip. Ignore that me and listen to this me, I don't need to know. Honest."
"I think he did. He didn't mention my mum much, only that she would have been very loving, but I pieced together that she brought him out of his shell. With her, he was less 'him', if you know what I mean? He was better." Celeste turned, leaning back against the tiny counter, her hands behind her back. "I've never really enjoyed relationships. None of them ever felt right, in any sense. They certainly never made me less 'me'. Until you."
River's cheeks began to burn. She couldn't stop it. She and embarrassment were long time bedfellows. The way Celeste had turned her focus upon River, after gazing out of the window like some heroine from a cheap romantic novel, caught River by surprise. It turned the wistful heroine into the predatory hero, catching the maiden ready for marriage in her sights.
"That's ... that's probably because I'm such a hot mess." River smoothed down her long skirt, trying not to wilt under that piercing gaze. Things had turned in an instant and River preferred more steady, languid turns of events. "I mean, I cause havoc wherever I go. And my gob! People have to come out of their shell to shut me up, or I just keep talking and talking and talking and never saying anything, until ... eep!"
Celeste had folded herself down to kneel before River, catching River's hands and stopping them from picking, absent-minded, at her skirt. Her face appeared right in front of River's and their eyes met. She could see it, deep in those brown eyes, that Celeste meant this. She chose it and River hadn't forced her into anything. How could she? Celeste wasn't the type of woman that would allow anyone to force her into anything.
"I am attracted to you, River. I think I always have been. I like tea, but not that much." Celeste reached up, cupping River's cheek and River felt herself tremble. "I know I've never been in love. I know that for a fact. But, I think I could be, I am, in love with you. And when we get your franchise going, we can finally see where this is taking us."
As Celeste moved her hand from River's cheek to the nape of her neck, River could feel herself succumbing to the single most perfect seduction she had ever experienced. Every touch, every word had been practically perfect in every way. Celeste may not have experienced it before, but she put every effort into it, as she did with everything. Almost perfect. River pulled her head back, frowning.
"Hold on." She ran through the last few words that Celeste had said. She thought about them again, uncertain she remembered correctly. She had. "What franchise?"
"Sorry! I got caught up in the moment." Without a slip or a pause, Celeste moved smoothly from seduction, to explanation, reaching for her carry-on bag. "I was going to wait until after China, finalise some stock streams and see what the rebranding consult came up with. This time next year, all being well, there'll be a 'Leaves' in every major city in Europe."
River wasn't quite certain what had happened. From an intimate sharing of feelings, an almost passionate night, to the sudden shock of business talk. It didn't so much jar her from her thoughts as wrench her from them, toss her to the floor and stomp on her. No-one had even mentioned 'Leaves' becoming a franchise. Least of all River.