{28} trying times

                                    

                                          
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"Mari and I met when I transferred from Naga to Manila. Sa St. Scholastica ako nag high school noon. Same age lang kami ni Mari noon, we were both 16 years old." 
Leni and Risa were just inside of Leni's condo unit as finals has just ended. It's 8 pm already and they just finished eating dinner. Finally, a lone time for the two of them.
The two were just sitting at the glass door near the balcony of the unit, where the Katipunan Road is visible. Leni is now sharing her story between her and Mari as the two look at the view of Ateneo as well.
"I was introverted noon kasi ako palagi chismis sa classroom. Kesyo palagi raw akong natatawag kapag recitation at palaging magagaling mga sagot ko sabi ng mga teachers ko," 
Risa was just lending her ears to Leni's story, trying to listen and understand the situation between Mari and Leni.
"Siya unang nakipag interact sa akin actually, kasi nasa corner lang ako ng room nakaupo. Kapag lunch time, hindi ako gaanong lumalabas sa room. I would often read my favorite book lang named 'To Kill A Mockingbird' and just stay there, alone and silently reading." 
"Hindi ka ba nagugutom or what? Kasi lunch time, hindi ka kumakain?" Risa curiously asked.
"Actually, I would only eat snacks lang like biscuits na pinapabaon sa akin nila daddy noon. Habang nagbabasa or gumagawa ng unfinished homeworks, kumakain din ako." Leni explains.
Ahh, Risa responds. "Okay.. continue,"
"Tapos nalaman ko lang din na favorite book niya rin yung favorite book ko. Kaya nagka sundo agad kami. You two are slightly alike actually," Leni continues sharing the story.
Risa raises one eyebrow up, "Paanong alike?" her question.
"Pareho kayong mahilig magtanong tanong, nagkataon din na sa same apartment building din kami nakatira noon, saka pareho kayong interesado sa Bicol dialect. But the difference was mas focused siya sa passions while you're focused sa heavy works. Gulat nga ako sumabak sa pagka Head ng Fine Arts eh hindi niya kaya ganun ka bigat na trabaho dati."
Leni chuffs afterwards while Risa just kept nodding as she continues to listen, "Pero ayun nga, pareho rin kaming nakapasa sa UP Diliman noon. Same course and getting Doctorate, tapos same dorm room lang kami, sharing kumbaga." Leni added.
"Paano naging kayo?" Risa kept asking questions, which Leni doesn't mind at all.
"I confessed nung nasa 7-11 kami ng UP Town noon, bigla nalang akong nag confess. Nadevelop feelings ko noon sakanya nung tumungtong kami fourth year high school," Leni's answer.
Risa changes her sitting position in a more comfortable one, "So, why did you two separated? If you don't mind me asking?" her asking softly.
Leni let out a heavy sigh before telling the break up story between her and Mari, "Her father was homophobic. Ayos naman relationship namin, ayaw lang talaga ng tatay. So nung nalaman, na hindi namin alam kung paano nalaman until now, pinalipat si Mari sa ibang school and nagpalit course."
Risa nods after, "Mahal mo pa?" suddenly asking that out of nowhere. Leni looked at her eyes while Risa looks back.
"I don't know. Nasaktan ako sobra nun, knowing the fact na mahal pa namin isa't isa nung pinaghiwalay kami. Ayun yung pinaka masakit eh, yung paghiwalayin mismo ng mga magulang o ng magulang. Tapos wala kaming magawa dahil pag-aaral nakasalalay sa sugal na 'yun, ayokong mabigo sa buhay si Mari, kaya tinanggap ko nalang kahit sobrang sakit." 
Risa suddenly feeling sad about the situation between Mari and Leni before, she still feel pity about them, "Masakit nga yun. Mahal niyo isa't isa nung pinaghiwalay kayo eh. Separating from someone na you don't want to lose is really, really hard. Buti at nalabanan mo naman ang sakit?" she said.
"It took a couple of years bago ko marealize na hindi ko na nararamdaman yung sakit. Like, I don't cry every night anymore, I don't talk about her anymore, that's when I knew that the pain is over and I can finally move forward and let her live her life nalang."
Mhm, Risa responds in a hum. 
Risa knows that Mari is special to Leni, and she cannot go over that because they've known each other since they were high school. Right now, Risa is starting to overthink about the possibilities.
Maybe the sole reason why she's not confessing is because she still loves Mari, but she doesn't realize that? She's obvious naman na gusto niya rin ako but she doesn't really want to say it talaga.
Or, natrauma nung mga panahong pinaghiwalay sila? It can also cause trauma lalo na't they separated even if they don't want to. 
Should I keep trying? Bumalik naman na si Mari eh. Susubukan ko pa ba?
Or worst.. she just sees Mari in me since we're a bit similar.
"Healed ka naman na? Like, nung nakita mo siya ulit, hindi ka na nasaktan or what?" Risa kept asking questions so that she makes sure that Leni has the possibility to accept her confession next time.
Risa can't confess again since her guts retreated again, making it hard for her to confess once more.
"I think so? Onting kirot lang naman kasi it's been years pero.. yeah. I am not really sure about what I am feeling. Been like this ever since talaga," Leni's answer.
Ah, one of those things that whenever a traumatic situation happens, everything will literally go downhill from emotions to self worth. Always unsure about what that person is feeling, their genuine feelings are so blurry that you can't even notice what's genuine and what's fake.
The separation was unexpected as well, but it needs to be done. It's a gamble between their love or one's future. But for Leni, she cares the most about Mari's future rather than their relationship, even if it hurts a kiloton. 
They didn't want to separate, but fate has it's different plans. 
Risa let out a sigh as she pulls Leni towards her to hug her, rubbing her back as well, "Andito lang ako to help you, Heart. I will always be here to help you figure things out for you. Remember that." she murmurs against the smaller woman's head. 
Leni can't help but to hug Risa tighter, letting herself melt from the warm embrace of someone that see's her as an extraordinary human in her life.
Leni can feel tears building up, so she just let it excrete from her eyes but not making a single sobbing sound, "Thank you.. Risa."
But deep inside, Risa is starting to feel like she's just not enough for Leni at all.
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