TWENTY-EIGHT: SPENCER

                                    

                                          
"Ma... marriage?" She stammers, her eyes looking everywhere except at me.
I don't know what even made me say that just now. The words left my lips before I ever even had a second to think, and now I've scared her, I know it.
"Spence, we're eighteen years old. We've known each other for 6 months. We can't possibly get married?" Her last part is more of a question than a statement.
I sit staring at her. Sometimes I wonder if I stare at her too much. Sometimes I wonder if I don't stare long enough. Every feature of hers is committed to my memory because everything changed for me the first time I saw her.  
"Ye... yea. I guess you're right." I mumble, but I don't take my eyes off of her. 
"I'm not saying no, Spencer. It's just— not right now. You were just dating Kennedy two weeks ago. We don't even know if you and I actually work. Let's just slow down."
"Oh." I pause, my heart slowly shattering.
We don't even know if you and I actually work.
"I better get back to my room. I am breaking curfew, after all. Can't risk getting in trouble before my last game." I can't even pretend to hide the pain and sense of betrayal in my voice. This is why people say don't fall in love. You lose control.
I gently pull myself away from Olivia and stand, unable to maintain eye contact with her.
"Spencer, please. I didn't mean to upset you." Olivia pleads, grabbing onto my arm. 
"It's okay, Liv. I can't expect you to feel the same way as me. At least you were honest." I squeeze her hand before peeling it off of my bicep.
"Liv?!" She calls out, but I continue my exit off the rooftop.
"Liv. Really? Stop walking. I'm trying to talk to you."
I hang my head, contemplating for a second, but ultimately decide to continue walking.
"Damnit, Spencer. I said stop walking!" She rushes behind me, grabbing my arm once more, this time with more force.
I turn around, finally facing her. Her soft brown eyes, they tell a story of their own. She's conflicted, she's in pain, she's confused.
That's the problem. I'm not confused. Her being unsure about marriage is fair, but being unsure about us? I can't reconcile that. 
"You can't make me feel bad that I don't want to get married at eighteen years old, Spencer. That's not fair!" She begins to cry.
"It's not about that, Liv—"
"Stop with the Liv." She interrupts me, more tears filling the brim of her eyes. 
"Olivia." I sigh. "Not wanting to get married because we're young, I can accept that. Not wanting to get married in general, I can accept that. Not wanting to get married because a part of you believes we might not even work. That— that I can't accept. I see everything when I look at you. I feel everything when you're near me. For me, us not working isn't an option, let alone something I'd be okay with, and you just let that roll off of your tongue like this is some phase."
Maybe I'm being dramatic or reading too much into what she's saying. Olivia has been so back and forth with me. She wanted me to stay with Kennedy. She didn't want to give things with us a chance. She pushed me away at every turn. She's been in control this entire time, and almost every decision she's made is one that has worked against us. I'm not sure she really wants this at all. 
"Maybe it was just the thrill of it all," I whisper to no one in particular.
"Excuse me?" She takes a step back.