It was just like any day at South Park Elementary. Bullying, fear, and overall chaos and destruction filled the halls and classrooms. And also currently the cafeteria.
All of fourth grade was inside the cafeteria, filing in line to receive their meals. A few children don't receive a hot lunch, though. They pack something from home, whether from choice or because they're down on their luck. But to any elementary student, not having a hot lunch meant nothing but misery.
"Oooh, Kinny," A coarse voice teases, "What did your parents get you for lunch today? A paper towel?" Cartman has always made fun of Kenny's circumstances.
"Mpphmphhhhhhhmphphmmphmpmmmppphhhmmmmppmmpphmphhhhhhhmphphmmphmpmmmppphhhmmmmppmpphmphhhhhhhmphphmmphmpmmmppphhhmmmmppmmpphmphhhhhhhmphphmmphmpmmmppphhhmmmmppmpphmphhhhhhhmphphmmphmpmmmppphhhmmmmppmmpphmphhhhhhhmphphmmphmpmmmppphhhmmmmppmpphmphhhhhhhmphphmmphmpmmmppphhhmmmmppmmpphmphhhhhhhmphphmmphmpmmmppphhhmmmmppmpphmphhhhhhhmphphmmphmpmmmppphhhmmmmppmmpphmphhhhhhhmphphmmphmpmmmppphhhmmmmppmpphmphhhhhhhmphphmmphmpmmmppphhhmmmmppmmpphmphhhhhhhmphphmmphmpmmmppphhhmmmmppmpphmphhhhhhhmphphmmphmpmmmppphhhmmmmppmmpphmphhhhhhhmphphmmphmpmmmppphhhmmmmppm (Shut Up)," Kenny says in response.
"Yeah, leave him alone. You literally live in a hot dog," Stan states back in response. Kyle rolls his eyes as they start their bickering again, following the same pattern as every day.
Kenny rolls open his brown paper bag, pulling out a plain sandwich, much to Cartman's dismay.
"Ewww, Kinny!" He cries, "Come on, Stan. How can you not make fun of him when he's clearly messing with us. He brought none sandwich left beef to school."
"What the hell are you talking about," Craig states nonchalantly, not really asking it. And it was a thought that everyone at the lunch table could share, because they honestly had no clue. Also why is Craig even hanging out with these guys he hates them.
After that small interaction, lunch resumes as normal. The students continue to eat off of their trays or from their packed lunches, hardly making conversation between bites. But Cartman could hardly hold still. It genuinely disturbed him how someone could have such a plain sandwich. I mean, couldn't they at least add a bit of chocolate on it, or something? Kenny must be suffering, eating a plain ham and bread sandwich.
"Here! Let me help you!" He finally cries, squirming around on the cafeteria bench before hopping up, "Don't eat ANY more of that monstrosity!!" Cartman demands before sprinting off into an unknown direction. Kenny mumbles a curse of protest, unknowing to the real monstrosities beneath their realm of knowledge. But he does listen, sitting idly as his classmate does whatever he thinks is so utterly important.
It isn't long before Cartman comes back to the table, and every student at it is trying to catch a glimpse at what he's doing. He tears open several salt packets and pours them all into the inside of Kenny's sandwich. The younger boy brings his hands to his head and screams in distaste, although it isn't very loud due to his parka, "mph mphhp mhm mp mphm (Why would you do that)?!?!?!" He yelps, knowing it will now taste even worse.
"Look, dude, I wouldn't expect a poor family like yours to understand. But this is an expensive spice called SALT, and well-off families use it when cooking," Cartman explains plainly. Kenny just lowers his head in defeat.
"You dumbass!" Kyle interrupts, "A sandwich isn't cooked! And even if we were grilling it, you put way too much! AND salt is a mineral not a spice!" Cartman just rolls his eyes in response.
"'Oh no salt is a mineral 🤓🤓' Okay, Kyle, I don't remember asking," He says. And he is right, because no one in the table had asked Kyle about anything. Lunch is break from school, no one wants to learn more stuff during it!
Kyle stands up slightly and begins to yell at Cartman, and he is met with a strong competitor. The two ramble nonsense insults as Kenny sighs. Blocking out the tantrums of the other students, he lifts his sandwich up to his mouth and takes a bite. Even if it stings his tongue a bit, he can't just go through the day hungry.
As his teeth met stale bread, a beam of light shot out of it, blasting Kenny backwards. Surprisingly, he did not die, but he hits his head pretty hard on the cafeteria floor. Students scream after the scene, not sure what exact reaction to give. Kenny is regaining his vision as a sudden voice begins to boom through the room.
"Who dares eat such a horrible meal?" It yells with a scowl. Kenny looks upon the floating ghost-like creature. It looks just like Cartman except it's green and kinda looks like a pirate ig and is REALLY big and scary.
"OMG it's the food police! RUN EVERYONE!!" Cartman screams like a baby, cowering under a lunch table. No one listens to his 'advice' and every student just stands and stares agape at the spirit.
Clyde immediately points fingers, "Kenny did it. He ate it."
Kenny looks at him angrily before standing up quickly, "Mphm, mphhh p hph! Mphh mpm mpp hmpmm mp (Yeah, maybe I did! What are you gonna do)?" He asks, ready to fight already.
"I have to extract the meal from your body. Anyone who eats a creation that Cartman has made is breaking a food law! I am a food policeman sent by the food government in order to stop food crimes!" The lookalike continues. Kenny looks at him. And he keeps looking at him.
"I didn't swallow the food," He says and everyone can understand him this time because the author is bored of writing his muffled speech versions. The spirit nods his head before drifting forward, "Oh okay cool."
And then they do some bro handshake or something idk and then they was chill and the spirit did some cool twirly anime magic girl thing and sparkled a bunch before he disappeared, "Oh that was sick," Kenny compliments.
And so every student just got back in their seat and chatter began to fill the room once more. Sadly, no one thought Kenny was cool for doing a secret bro handshake with a food police spirit. And he also doesn't have a lunch anymore.
Except when he opens his lunch bag again, he finds a new sandwich. Likely a gift from the food government, for all the trouble or smth. And it's full of food that usually isn't on Kenny's sandwiches, which delights him immensely. He enjoys every second of eating it, somewhat thanking Cartman for ruining his old one.
"Uh, so..." Kyle starts, "How does the food police 'extract' food that you've eaten?" He asks, the question directed at Cartman.
"I don't want to talk about it," Is all he says.
