may.17.22

                                    

                                          
I remember when I used to love her, used to love her, used to love her






Confusion clouded my vision
And everything felt like it was in a daze
There she was
I loved her
But not like that
Right
Like a good good friend
Like a great friend
A best friend
I wanted to be around her company
She was just a likable person
Fast forward
I've graduated
She's graduating this year
I met up with her
Picked her up after school
Went shopping
Had dinner
Drove to miworth and back again
And I felt confidence
I loved her
I really loved her
Like more than a friend
Like a life partner
I took what felt like the deepest breath of my life
And when I went to tell her
She interrupted me
By the way
I forgot to tell you earlier 
Remember that guy from that one art class we had together
Yeah
Well we're dating
He's my boyfriend 
Lungs deflated
Heart froze
For what felt like an eternity and a half
I didn't know what to say
But my logic said to smile
Congratulate her
Say that they made a good couple even if they didn't
She accepted my false congratulations 
Said she was happy I accepted them
She wasn't sure if I was going to
Because her other friend matched em up
And wasn't aware she'd catch feelings for him as she did
Well
I lived with them for a while
In a two bedroom flat on the top floor
That was a dangerous time
The railing was always too high
And the kitchen chairs were flimsy
So I could never get tall enough
When they learned I was a nice guy
They made me not nice
And I left
Much later than I should have left
But late enough
She liked running my name through the mud after that
Saying I cut and bailed
Selfishly
And maybe I did
Maybe I should have stayed
Become their punching bag and piggy bank
Their housekeeper
Maybe then they'd cut me in
Let me drink the bottles they bought
Or the smoke they inhaled that they denied about when I was nineteen
I wonder where I would have been
If I had stayed
I don't know where they are now
They never contact me
They barely did before
Only when they wanted something from me
But 
Since they can't do that now
I haven't heard from them since
I'm almost twenty five now
And I think I've drifted away from everybody
Not just my ex crush and her boyfriend
But everybody I've met since then