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As made I diner that night, I couldn't stop thinking about Sal. That drive was absolutely amazing. He just was so easy to talk. I had a feeling of happiness in my stomach that I couldn't quell. I didn't even know how to describe it.
He even asked me to sit with him and his friends at lunch. I couldn't believe it. I was so fucking pumped.
"You're smiiiling, Travith," Aggie sang from the table, working hard to stay in the lines with her markers. 
Dad would flip his lid if he saw her there instead of making diner. He hated when I did women's chores, but he wouldn't be home till late (busy with church stuff I guess) and surprise surprise, the eight year old wasn't the best cook. I couldn't count how many times she'd managed to burn herself not paying attention or to drop a pan. I was just hoping he wouldn't check the cameras, but I wasn't too worried. As long as I didn't burn anything, I'd likely just get off with a slap in the face.
"And?" I said, sliding the bread pan into oven. It was the shitty kind of bread that was pre-made and heated for like 3 minutes, but food's food I guess.
"AaAand, you never smile." She shot back, making sure to mock me as hard as possible on the 'and'. I couldn't help but laugh at her.
"Kiddo, I think your cooking is going to your head. I smile all the time."
"Not for real!" She giggled, as if her words were the most nonchalant thing in the world. I don't think she knew how hard they hit me in the stomach. 
"Why are you so happy, anyway?" She asked, gluing her eyes back to the coloring page of some advent candles she was doing for homework. Oh, to be in 3rd grade again.
"I'm just happy God gave us such a wonderful evening. What's not to be happy about?"
"Lyings a sin, Travith," She grinned.
I sighed dramatically, a smile still on my face. After that drive with Sal I couldn't seem to get it to go away.
"Well, I can't really argue with that one, can I?"
"Nope. Tell meeeeeeee."
"Watch your manners. Besides, it's nothing. 'Just made a new friend, is all."
"A new friend! Already?!" She had pretty much abandoned the advent candles by this point, far too excited about her socially inapt brother talking to someone.
"Don't act so surprised. I'm a friend making machine." I karate chopped my oven mitts for effect before taking them off and placing them on the counter.
"Tell me about them!!"
"Well..." I stoped, trying find words that could possibly describe Sal, but quickly figuring out it's hard to put words to just how amazing he was, "They're one of the nicest people I've ever met and funny and cool and-"
I stoped myself. I was about to say that he smelled good. Jesus, what was wrong with me?
"And?!"
"And- I don't know. I feel like I could talk with them for hours. They just... understand."
A grin immediately spread to Aggie's face.
"OooOOOOooOoo." She sung through her missing teeth.
"What?" I said, skeptically.
"You know what!"
"I can assure you I don- "
"Travith has a cru-ush."
I almost laughed. I probably should of mentioned he was a boy, huh? I didn't have a crush on Sal. That was ridiculous. God only knows how dad would react. I couldn't have a crush on sal.
I mean, just because I get butterflies when I look at him and I really like hanging out with him and I kind of cringe inside when he calls me his friend and I hated it when he was telling me about a girl he likes and I want to throw up in a good way when he touches me...
Fuck.
I stoped dead in my tracks. Every ounce of joking was gone from my tone. 
Just then, the worlds loudest oven alarm sounded. Great. The bread was done.
"No I dont." I said, dryly, rushing over to stop the beeping. I hoped she'd get the hint. I didn't want to think about this. I had to smack the button a couple times to get it to shut up.
"Yeah you do. You like-like her!"
I felt like my throat was closing. I didn't want to think about this. I had avoided thinking about it sense I 1st saw him, I sure as fuck was not going to start now. And the Fucking oven wouldn't open. I fumbled with the lock on the stove that i hadn't realized I'd flipped down.
"Agnes, stop." I said, still trying the switch. 
I couldn't burn the bread. If dad found out...
If dad found out that I might be having homosexual thoughts...
No. That's not what they were. What happened during that movie was a one time thing. This wasn't that. 
I wasn't gay. I couldn't be gay.
I'm not a fucking faggot.
The oven finally popped open. I reached in for the bread.
"Do you loooooove her, Travith? Is she gonna be your giiiiiirlfreind?"
I wrapped my hands around the cast iron.
"Fuck- ow!" I hissed, yanking my hand away from the heat. I looked down at the red, pan shaped line forming on my hand. 
I forgot oven mitts.
I barely heard Aggie, who was frantically trying to get me to come to the table and pray with her for saying a bad word. I was a little preoccupied. 
I just kept staring at my hand, no longer interested in the bread that was quickly becoming toast. I didn't even move for the sink to quell the burning. 
What was I going to do? If I'm really this sick, this perverted, what do I even do? I was having homosexual thoughts without even knowing it. That had to be worst than normal ones, right?
Standing there in the kitchen, my little sister now bawling at the table telling me she didn't want me going to hell, my hand was looking worst and worst, I couldn't even fathom what I should do next. I really wanted to ignore the heat blisters that would be there in the morning to match my hip.
 It hurt like hell,

but I deserved it.










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