Chapter 15: Act 2 scene 3

                                    

                                          
Underlined = out of play
Italics and bold.= action in play 
Centre and italics = Singing. 
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Lights up on Batman busy at his main console. Enter O’Malley [Alfred in disguise] with the 
mail. 
O’Malley: Mail, sir. 
Batman: Oh, thank you O’Malley. 
Batman takes the mail 
Batman: Let’s see…bills…bills…hey! What’s this!?  It’s a letter form Spider-Man! It’s probably about that lousy-ass-slow-plane I sent him. Let’s take a look.  “Dear Bats, thanks for the offer but I won’t be able to take the plane off  of your hand, I don’t have any place to stick it— 
Batman silently laughs and snorts uncontrollably 
Batman: — “Love, your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man. P.S: I’m a huge fan, I follow you on the web.” 
Batman, once again, silently laughs and snorts uncontrollably 
"Who is Spiderman?" 
"I don't know Tim. I don’t know" 
Batman: Wow! What a sweetheart. You know what? This is going on  the Bat-Fridge. Quick! O’Malley, to the Bat-Fridge! 
Batman swoops up and casually walks to the Bat-Fridge. He places Spider-Man’s letter on the Bat-Fridge 
Batman:There! I put it right next to Robin’s great drawing I gave an A …plus…plus…plus, plus, plus… 
Batman blows kisses at Robin’s drawing 
O’Malley: Well, I’ll just uh…take this rubbish away Newspapers are most of the time, a waste of time. 
Batman: O’Malley! I wanna read the funnies. 
O’Malley: Uh… Well, let me read them for you. 
Batman: Okay. 
O'Malley opens the paper slipping to the comic page. 
O’Malley: “Dilbert’s co-workers have made a quip at his expense… Will that man ever iron his tie?” 
Batman: That sounds funny, give it to me! 
Batman grabs the paper from O’Malley 
O’Malley: Wait, sir…please! 
Batman: What!? “Robin the Boy-BLUNDER?” What’s this? “Batman’s new sidekick is a lame-cheery-cheesy-fruity-fruit-cake with no pants and a Hamburglar mask…? He ruined the once beloved, dark and gritty, Batman…” Robin ruined Batman? But…but that’s not true. Robin make Batman happy… O’Malley, why would somebody write something like this? 
O’Malley: Well, I uh…I suppose they think he’s stupid. 
Batman: Pffffttt. That’s ridiculous. What’s stupid about a happy little boy, flying  around Gotham City spreading cheer to all the people? 
O’Malley: Well, if you put it that way you can’t blame ‘em. Well, almost everything is stupid— 
"Everyone is stupid in this universe" 
Batman: WHAT!!! Robin is NOT stupid!! You’re stupid! 
O’Malley: Hey. 
Batman: You’ve always hated Robin, haven’t you? Don’t think I haven’t noticed. Well, your bat sliding days are over. Get out of the Bat Cave you drunken slob, you’re fired!! 
O’Malley: You’re getting lose in this crazy character of yours. 
Batman: What? 
O’Malley: Well if that’s what you bloody want then FINE! 
Batman: Fine. 
O’Malley: Good. 
Batman: Great. 
O’Malley: I’ll pack my things. 
Batman: Don’t bother I’ll have them burned. 
O’Malley: Fuck you. 
Batman: Fuck yooooouu… 
"It's like a break up awwww." Jason laughed 
O’Malley exits, slamming the door behind him. Bruce Sits down and begins to re-read the paper. 
Batman:  Hamburglar mask? This doesn’t make any sense. 
Enter Qwang Li [Alfred in disguise again] followed by quiet Chinese-esque music 
"AGAIN ALFRED?" 
Qwang Li: Oh herro... 
Batman: Who are you, and how did you get into the Bat Cave? 
Qwang Li: Oh. Forgiveness please…the agency just sent me over. My name is Qwang Li, the  Chinese butler. 
Batman:  Good to meet you Qwang Li. I’m Bat-Wayne…errr…I’m  Bruce-Man…fuck…I’M BATMAN…and I’m in a bad mood. 
"Why does no one get your identity in this? you say it so many times" 
"Because everyone is an idiot greyson" 
Bat-Alarm goes off! 
Qwang Li: Oh! The Bat-Alarm, sir! 
Batman: You’re right, put it up on the big screen. 
Qwang Li: Very good, sir. 
Exit Qwang Li. Lights dim. Batman remains in front of his computer, watching. 
"Wow just wow"