the unexpected

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Jonathan


sometimes i think about those scenes where the relevant actor is dying and there's this other person seeing or realising that they in fact are gone, and so whilst watching you start pouring your feelings out of your eyes,
the thing i didn't really think of as a child is that we don't cry because the character itself is dying and we won't see more of them in the future,
we cry because of the emotions that the other character is going through we understand the pain they feel, we know that they will never see, hear or be able to touch that someone that is leaving them for good. We cry because we know that at some point we ourselves will be doing the exact same thing at least once in our lives.
People spend most of the time thinking how death is inevitable but too little about just how painful it really is to lose someone.

I wake up in the middle of the night covered in sweat. Tears rolling down my face.

Nightmares again. Great.
I turn around to find Leos bed empty. Again.
There's been more nights that i've woke up and found his bed empty than those where he's in it. Not that i'm worried about him or somethin'.

But where the hell is he?

---

I get a message from Calea bugging me again to go tonight to this guys' party she fancies for months now. I figured Simons' probably gonna be there so i get to annoy him by simply showing up to his friends party. And that's just a bonus.
He always warns me not to come near him or any of his friends at school ever. And to just pretend like we're complete strangers in public, which i didn't mind once i realized how much of a moron him and his friends were.

He never usually brakes that except when he'd see me get in some sort of trouble with simply defending myself when some of the jocks find it in their schedule to make my life miserable for a bit.

There was this one time, Trent Baker aka school's most popular bad boy asshole shoved me against the locker so hard i broke my left arm. Around the same time Simon and Leo got out of a classroom and saw me falling down on the floor gripping my arm. Simon ran to me and called the ambulance but i vividly remember being able to see with the corner of my eye Leo on top of Trent beating the shit out of him and not stoping till the teachers finally came and started removing him off of Trents then extremely messed up face.

Leo doesn't really get into a lot of fights, but when he does there's usually a strong reason behind it. Which is why i don't get how was I a reason for it that time.

That moment still makes me flabbergasted to this day. As well as the rest of the confusing things he does, that in some way include me.

I don't really recall much of that day, mostly cause of all the painkillers i had to take to not feel my broken arm. But i remembered it today when something similar took place in this fresh hell of a high school.

2 hours ago

I'm standing by the vending machine outside of school waiting for my stepdad to pick me up for like 25minutes, when who other than Trent and the two imbeciles that come in a package with him, walk by, they notice me standing all alone being the perfect next target of theirs.
And it was in that moment that I wished i had taken the front, safe exit of the school instead of this one, a safe haven for pot heads and horny idiots to make out. Really good thinking Jonathan.

"well look at this, who do we have here huh? all alone are we you little faggot," he says and gets a step closer.

"what? no big strong jocks to save your ass today?" he asks and starts laughing with his other two dumbass future astounded drug dealers. He takes the book out of my hands while still laughing like an idiot.

The fear for my life starts visibly growing, but apparently not enough to shut me up.
"Can you drop the bad boy act for a day Trent, and maybe go hug your mum or something." I say trying not to seem scared as hell.

Even though i talk tough shit, I have no idea how to defend myself. If only god have given me muscles for a brain.

All of a sudden the two idiots stop laughing as they start to slowly back away when they notice someone behind me. So i turn around and to my unfortunate relief, it's Leo.

They disappear swiftly leaving Trent behind, or better yet leaving me with Trent and his anger abandonment issues.

"did you not get enough of a beating last time?" Leo asks, now standing in front of me and facing Trent.

"ah here comes the bodyguard, little johnnys babysitter" Trent announces making me roll my eyes.

"Just give me the book and piss off " Leo says with a pissed off look on his face.  "unless you miss the hospital all of a sudden."

Trent gets up and throws me the book on my legs, as i try to catch it poorly. He starts walking away with a sleazy look on his face.

"You okay?" leo asks facing me now with a serious look.
"i'm fine, and i could have handled this myself." I say feeling like a damsel in distress right about now.

"Then why didn't you? and also no, you really couldn't have." Leo replies. "Now get up, i'm driving you home, your dad had some work emergency he can't pick you up."

"Stepdad" I say kinda quiet.
"What?"
"He's my stepdad, not my dad."
"Right, my bad." he says, apologizing.

We're in the car now, heading home.
"You need to stay away from that guy, or you're gonna end up with more than just a broken arm." Leo says while looking at the window the entire time.

My sarcasm kicks in immediately.
"Gee, gosh Leo how didn't i think of that? I mean it's almost like you're saying I -shouldn't- keep running into morons who have broken a part of my body in the past?
If only I had thought of that." I add lastly before I turn to see him rolling his eyes over.

"You know, I'm starting to wonder how you didn't get beaten up more as a child?" Leo shots back.

"well believe it or not I didn't always use sarcasm to defend myself."

"Not that that made much of a difference." I say under my breath this time.

"What?" He says visibly confused.

"Nothing, forget it, i didn't say anything." I quickly blurt out. My eyes set on the rain poring down the window next to me.

"I know you definitely don't want to talk about it with me, but it's not nothing."  He looks at me while saying it. 

"I don't. Cause I know you don't really care." I say honestly. Giving him a quick look.

"Yes, Jonathan, you got me. I despise your guts.
That's why i almost broke Trents' face on multiple occasions whenever he dared even say your name, let alone put his goddamn hands on you.

...you don't know anything, alright?
When i saw you laying on the ground that day, your entire arm looking like... and him just standing there...smiling, if the coach hadn't moved me earlier....."  he stops and shakes his head as if to try and remove the picture of that entire day out of his mind.

We've already arrived home, so when he finished the sentence we just sat there for a second both looking straight ahead, me not knowing what to say.

After a moment he gets outside without a word, and shuts the door.

This was fucking weird, why do people do that? Act like they couldn't care less about your entire existence and then just say..and do..stuff like this?!

What am i supposed to do with this? It's...

I take a deep breath in and get into the house.




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