Chapter 2

                                    

                                          
This chapter contains mentions of violent actions, abuse and sexual assualt. 
Read with caution. 
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It's been a very long time since I actually had fun. Things haven't been easy these past years.
I've pondered this before; maybe I was happy with Leo, or maybe not. At least for a while. Towards the end of our relationship, things started to go very wrong. I've never really told anyone about this, because I couldn't.
I never had a person that I could talk to, and if I had I wouldn't tell them about this.  I don't want people to feel bad or sorry for me and I don't want people to see me as weak. 
When my mom was alive, she noticed that I was changing; I was not the same. It was true – I changed a lot during those years when I was 16 and 17. That was also when Leo and I entered into our relationship. Of course, I changed; who doesn't in their first relationship? I believed I changed for the better, evolving into a more mature person. Not that I was a bad person before that relationship, but I felt like I had grown and matured.
My mother liked Leo; I could see why. He was very sweet and gentle in the beginning. His father is also acquainted with my father; they worked together in their younger days, apparently. Perhaps that's why my mother liked Leo – maybe she felt obligated to like him, caught in some connection.
However, when my mother observed my changes, she also witnessed me breaking down. She became concerned about me. At that time, I didn't understand why because I couldn't feel it. She advised me to be cautious and stop everything whenever things started to affect me in bad ways.
I had never been through anything hurtful before that, so I never understood what she meant when she said that. She asked me everything about Leo, and I thought that was quite annoying, so I took distance. Now I know why she did that, and I regret every action of mine. She quoted to me very much.
"You can't change someone who doesn't see an issue in his actions."
"It is better to be healthy alone than sick together."
"If you ever think that you deserve better, you do."
When she said those things to me, I thought she sounded crazy, but apparently, she saw things in Leo that I didn't. Love makes you blind.
No, I was not in love with him. I guess I loved him, but I was not in love with him. It always felt like something was missing when I was with him. After a while, I started to realize what my mother had said. I didn't feel good; I didn't have fun anymore. It was as if a feeling had just left my soul, and I couldn't get it back. I was 16 when things escalated. That boy didn't let me do anything.
'You can't go out, people will look at you.'
'I don't want anyone to look at you because I don't want to think about what they could be thinking.'
'I can't let you go home; I'll tell your mother that you are very sick.'
'I am sorry I won't let you meet your friends'
Leo said these things among the millions of others. Initially, I didn't reflect on them much. I was shy back then, still possessing some confidence but not quite enough. I was frightened at that time, lacking the opportunity to end the relationship with him. Yet, he remained oblivious to my desire to break up.
I discovered that Leo took advantage of me on occasions when I was intoxicated and blacked out. Not only that, but he also physically abused me, hitting and punching.
I couldn't bring myself to end the relationship; he threatened to harm himself and talked about taking his own life whenever I expressed a desire to leave. He constantly shifted, alternately hating me one moment, and the next, crying in my arms, professing his love, and pleading with me to stay.