Chapter Thirty Two: Sunburn and Hickeys *

                                    

                                          
Maui, my moms vacation planned for the entire family a year or so later. 
Everyone is here, so many children I've lost count, and of course Allie. It was the first time I've seen her since her miscarriage, and she looks so good, so well and so much more like the Allie of old, dare I say happy, mostly. I knew Allie had been pulling away slowly from what didn't serve or benefit her life. She was advocating for her wants and needs and no longer putting the church or others ideas and desires before her own. I was so proud of her. 
The hotel door knocks, it is Morgan smiling cautiously as I open it up. I am still annoyed my mom has put us in separate rooms again "babe" she says looking at my pout "I'm only next door" she says sweetly.
I reach out and pull her in "I need you with me" I say childishly, pulling her against myself. "Let's go and lay out by the pool for the afternoon" she asks.
I nod "let's" I say blindly grabbing my towel, and what I thought was sun cream but later would find out was body lotion, error of epic proportions. 
***
"Heaven" Morgan observes as she lays down beside me. We were on sun loungers by the large pool, bikinis on and skin glistening with freshly applied sun cream (moisturiser
Masquerading).
Half of the family were playing inside of the pool, as we lay and let the sun bathe our bodies, truly relaxing for the first time after a busy season of baseball and basketball in our respective schools. This past season kicked both of our butts. 
I turn and look at her, my girl, and I feel my heart ache. She had not long confessed in the car to the hotel how she longed for three children, and like a bolt of lightening those words hit me, terror flooding my veins, adrenaline pushing me through the panic that would have otherwise sent me free falling. The only thing I would never be able to offer her, was exactly what she wanted of me, babies. It wasn't something I could change my mind on. I knew strongly I never wanted to have a child of my own, or to be a parent, it was the only thing I didn't have to offer. Morgan could have all of me forever, whatever her heart desires I would have made it happen to keep her. I would give her the world and make it seem easy, but babies, like I was cursed, I couldn't. I just couldn't do it . This trip was overshadowed by the pit in my stomach, every second of every day, knowing when we got home that Morgan may leave me, she may be forced to go, and I may be forced to let her. It was something I would never, and could never, have imagined.
Her hand rests upon my stomach. I place my hand on hers, the warmth of her palm a comfort upon my flesh. Behind my shades, a tear would fall, hidden from sight. This could be the last trip, the last time we could be us, untouched by the overwhelming decision we would soon have to make. Morgan and I had spent three years together, we didn't fight, and we didn't have any disagreements on anything serious. We were the perfect fit in most ways and yet one wish I couldn't grant her, would tear us apart. 
I knew if I had to that I would have to be the one to do it, to break her heart, because she wouldn't, knowing her she would make out it wasn't important to have a baby, just to keep me. I wouldn't let her live half a life, not like Allie had been. I loved Morgan enough to let her go, to let her find what her heart and her soul needed, to have her babies and meet a love who could offer her everything she deserved. That didn't mean it wouldn't hurt, because breaking Morgan's heart would always, until the day I died, be my biggest regret. I would always love her, always, we weren't meant to be together, but it didn't make it any easier knowing that, to let her go.
Morgan was one of the loves of my life, and just like letting Allie go, letting Morgan go, but knowing this time she loved me as fiercely as I did her, it broke me. It tore a piece of me away, and that piece left with her.