Chapter Five

                                    

                                          
Ian

 "Claud-" Ian was wondering why she wasn't answering, by this time they couldn't even speak again, it felt like their brain was melting, but moving so fast at the same time. Immediately she could feel water rushing into her throat, "why did it feel like it was filling with water?" Ian asked themselves, they tried to reach for Claudia's hand and for a split second she could see Claudia make eye contact with them and turn, Ian just laid there stunned.
 Everyone has stories of what happens when you pass away, you see a bright light or your ancestors or you see a loved one waiting to take you to the other side. Ian always thought they would see the bottom of hell, they thought the first thing they would come across was the burning sensation of their skin peeling off, they didn't believe in "a god" but Ian believed in a higher power and they knew no higher power would let them see the good side of an afterlife.
 Ian wasn't a bad person, but they were conditioned to feel that way. Their mum was oblivious or at least she pretended to be, she supported when Ian came out, it was easier than having any conversation about what you feel is right or wrong, she bought Ian all the pride merch she could find, without having an actual conversation. As for the drugs, she knew Ian was an addict, she also knew Ian was badly sick, mentally. She got Ian the doctors, the medications, the therapists but never spoke about it with them. She had a business to run, Ian was wasting her time and they knew it, their mum reminded them all the time. Ian almost died by suicide multiple times and got the same reply every time "damn it Ian, not today, we have work. Pick another day to be selfish" and Ian would stay in their room depressed and tired until the helps would pull them out of bed. 
 Then there was Ian's dad, he was worse than their mum, he had an image meaning that so did Ian, he told Ian that they would burn in hell for embarrassing him every single time. Ian would stand there with hot tears in their eyes and say nothing.
 And then one night out with Jose and Renee to the nearest strip club they saw their dad and that was the end for Ian, they never got cut off for drugs or having mental breakdowns in public but apparently having your friends witness your dad with girls below the voting age was way worse. 
 Ian talked to both their parents about it, but got slapped 
 "You're so fucking reckless" their mum yelled after hitting them 
 Ian couldn't believe it, they just stood stunned, their mum never yelled, she was "classy", she spoke in hushed tones and never concerned herself with anything that didn't have anything to do with money
  "you monster !" Santiago swung his fist at Ian " we have worked to build an empire, we have given you everything you have asked for, we let you keep this ridiculous gender switching thing, we let you change your name, your identity, have you ever lacked anything you useless ingr-"
 "But they're kids they-"
 "Shut up" Miranda shook Ian "your dad has his kinks and I have mine and who is going to believe a mentally ill drug addict anyway" that was the first time Ian heard their mum use the phrase "mentally ill drug addict" but regardless, that was the end of that conversation.
 Ian got cut off and even when they thought it wouldn't get worse it did, no money meant no drugs and no drugs meant they had to face reality, so they did anything to get what they needed until Jose became their supplier. Drugs became easier to do, they became easier to access than before, for the first time it was just there. 
 So Ian was so sure they were going straight to hell, but instead they saw nothing, no flashback, no distant memory, no flames, no burning Sulphur, no bright light. Just nothing. 
***